Quote From My Boss

2019

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

It's been a year since I took the last steps toward living authentically in public. This included coming out at work, including coming out to my conservative Christian boss. If I'm being honest, my wife and I, as well as allies, expected that there might be problems regarding my boss, related to me being transgender. For a long time after I came out, he acted uncomfortable around me.

Recently, my boss was walking past me, and he surprised me by stopping me. He shuffled his feet and looked at me.

"You know, I wasn't sure what to expect," he said. "But you caused me to realize how wrong I was in how I was thinking," he said, "about a lot of things."

Then he turned and walked off. Me? I went inside with a smile.

What I'd Tell Myself Looking Back

2019

Iceberg Right Ahead!

I'm the brunette, transgender wife

Remembering back to when my wife and I began this journey, it is interesting to think of how things have changed. But what once seemed so daunting - a massive series of roadblocks in front of us - turned out to be a breathtakingly freeing experience.

I remember the tears when it finally clicked what was going on in my life. That sudden, shocking (to me) realization of the reason behind what I'd been experiencing. The emotional turmoil. The fear. The questions. What did this all mean? What was up ahead?

My mind went to the stories I'd heard about people transitioning and it being disastrous for them. Their lives ruined. The drama. The upheaval. The loss. I didn't want my life to be a disaster!

Put On The Brakes!

Stop. Take a deep breath. Relax.

It's not the end of your life. It's not the end of your relationships, or at least it doesn't have to be. It's not the end of your job, or at least it doesn't have to be.

Don't panic. Sure, there are roadblocks. Or are there, really? For me, the roadblocks turned out to be hurdles. Roadblocks bar your progress forward, but hurdles can be leaped over.

Get some help. No matter how strong you are, no matter how self-assured you are, get some help. Having someone to talk with as you make plans and go through changes can be that stabilizing presence in your life that you need when the changes, physical and in your thought process, come.

Sunrise on a Cruise Ship

My wife and I went on a cruise, years back. I'm an early riser, and so I discovered that the ship had an outdoor running track on one of the upper decks. I got up each morning and went out there, and walked. As I walked, the sun came up over the ocean. There was nothing out there at all in sight but us. It was peaceful and beautiful and relaxing.

That's what this is. At least, that's what this is if you let it be. Just a sunrise viewed from a cruise ship. There is beauty here. There is opportunity here. Opportunity to learn, grow, change for the better. There is peace here, just waiting to be found.

Friendships worth maintaining will be maintained. Sure, you might have a friend or two that you figure out, through this, are not the sort of people you want as friends. That's fine! Part ways amicably, and realize that you'll end up with new friends.

If you have a good job with a good employer, it'll still be there. If you don't, that job might leave, in which case, for your peace of mind, that's the best thing, long term. Dust yourself off and update your resume, and go get another job.

If your relationships with family are built on good communication, they still will be. If they aren't, they still won't be.

It's the End of the World As We Know It!

It might be. But just because it's the end of the world as you know it, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. There's this fresh, clean smell after it has rained. Do you know the smell I mean? It makes you feel so good when you smell it! That smell is there because the rain has rinsed away that which is toxic or impure, and what's left is supposed to be there.

That's what this is. It's that fresh, clean smell. A breath of fresh air. The next step on the journey. Sure, there will be changes. That's okay. Take a deep breath. You're becoming yourself, finally. Relax. Enjoy it. Get ready for an amazing ride.

Look. Do you see it? The sun is coming up over the ocean! Isn't it beautiful?

10 Awesome Things People Have Said To Me Recently

I am the brunette, transgender wife.

1. "I love you!" - my amazing wife
2.  "Are you two mother and daughter? You look just alike." - a female gas station clerk addressing my and our youngest child
3.  "You must feel awesome" - youngest child, exiting the above-mentioned gas station with me
4. "After you, ma'am." - a twenty-something guy holding a door for me
5. "I love your hair." - coworker
6. "It's been a lot of fun watching her bloom" - my amazing wife, referring to me
7. "That's a great color on you! You should wear that a lot!" - a young woman at church referring to a teal shirt I wore
8. "Would this be separate checks or together?" - a waitress to my wife and I, tacitly acknowledging we're 2 women
9. "May I help you ladies?" - a coffee shop employee to my wife and me
10. "Oh you shouldn't have told me that!" - a local Wal mart manager, glowing with the anticipation upon hearing that the changing room employees have been a bit difficult, going on to explain how she was going to fix that issue

Religion and Life - The First Letter to My Parents

This is the first of a series of letters I sent my parents after I came out to them. 

Dad and Mom,

I hope you are well. Me? I’m well.

I wanted to try to tell you a little bit about me, and explain a few things, in the hope it will lead to greater understanding.  I believe we need to have these conversations, even if they make us uncomfortable. It is important to understand, and it can be difficult to understand and believe what seems different. Accordingly, I ask you to put aside what you believe you believe and put aside what you think you know and listen to my words. Allow what I am saying to speak to you because this is the truth. I don’t refer to some lofty, abstract truth someone talks about in an hour-long sermon, but rather truth I personally experience firsthand.

I know you have a religious basis for your reaction to what we’ve told you. I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve talked to literally thousands of Christians, and I know the basis behind the issues. I know you’re not trying to be mean, and I know you’re acting out of fear and concern. I know this concern is distressing for you, and I hope I can ease that concern through these letters.

I wanted to tell you that Christians who insist the Bible says transgender people are sinners or are hated by God or are going to hell are mistaken. It’s just plain not in there. At all. Not one single verse speaks against me as a person, or as a child of God. Many of these Christians are simply repeating what they’ve heard said by others. Some of them are acting out of fear. Some of them are acting out of hate. Most of them are simply doing what people do, and thus reacting negatively to anything different than them. But the reality is this: the people in the Bible who are gender-non-conforming (not being who their sex says they are supposed to be) are not horrible people at all. In fact, one of the first persons recorded in scripture as becoming a follower of Christ after His resurrection was a eunuch – a gender non-conforming person.

There is a very common argument used by Christians to speak against transgender people. This argument can be summed up in this manner: “The Bible says God only made men and women. Not transgender people”. Yet, here we are. For that matter, most transgender people are still either men or women. But this isn’t really the point. Does the Bible really say God ONLY made men and separately, women? Actually, no. Genesis says God created people male and female. It does NOT say God created them male OR female. It says “and”, not “or”. When a person buys groceries, the bagger asks “paper or plastic?” in order to determine which of the two types of bags you’d like to get. You get paper, or you get plastic. If they asked “paper and plastic?” It’d be odd seeming, but you’d also get bags made out of both paper and plastic. Does this make sense? Imagine an emergency where someone calls for the police and the paramedics, and only one or the other showed up. When someone calls for the police and the paramedics, they don’t expect to get only police cars or ambulances. They expect to get both. Furthermore, some police officers are also paramedics.

God created light and darkness in Genesis. Genesis says light and darkness are separate, but then, we can easily see they are often mixed together. Hence, the dim light of dawn or a gloomy library in an old house, not to mention dusk, dawn, and twilight. Let’s not forget the dim light in the corner of the room in the morning or evening. God created land and seas, and scripture says they are separate, in Genesis. Yet, there are marshes along the coasts, where the land and the water are mixed together, as well as bogs and swamps, etc. totaling millions of acres in the USA alone. Freshwater and saltwater are separate, created by God to be this way, right? Genesis says so.  He even made aquatic life that lives exclusively in one or the other. Yet, estuaries along major river outlets are a curious mixture of saltwater and freshwater, and there is aquatic life thriving there. There are entire seas of mixed salt and freshwater, and we shouldn’t forget the massive Hudson Bay. There are “freshwater” lakes just salty enough for saltwater fish to thrive there. It’s light AND darkness, not light OR darkness. It’s land AND water, not land OR water. It’s saltwater AND freshwater, not saltwater OR fresh water. They are combined, despite what many Christians believe Genesis says. People are the same way. All of us – every single one of us – is in some way a combination.  The presence of the word “and” in Genesis is vital and telling. It’s male AND female, not male OR female. God made all these things as opposites, yet He also made them in such a way that they can, and do, blend together into all sorts of combinations.

Transgender people have been present throughout recorded history. It’s nothing new, and it isn’t a “modern-day epidemic”. There were transgender people in all periods of history. Some cultures have had some sort of third gender for centuries. The Hebrew culture, on which scripture is based, actually has six different genders in their ancient writings, the Talmud and the Mishnah (also sometimes called the Mishna) as well as in dozens of other historical Hebrew texts. There were transgender people around you in your youth too. You just probably didn’t know it. It was much more carefully hidden if nothing else because someone known to be transgender would have been treated in a manner that was beyond hideous.

Some amazingly well-known people in years past were transgender, including Wilmer Broadnax, lead singer of the Golden Echoes, a well known Christian quartet in the late ’50s and early ’60s, and of the Five Blind Boys of Mississippi, a Gospel group in the later 1960s. Another interesting example is jazz musician Billy Tipton, who was transgender. More modern examples include actress Nicole Mains, writer/director Jake Graf, author April Daniels, pop singer Kim Petras, Model Hunter Schafer, actor Elliot Page, and actresses Michelle Hendley and Jazz Jennings. Generally, surveys estimate the current number of transgender people in the United States to be somewhere between 1.5 million and 3 million people. Million. Yes, I mean million. That’s more than the combined populations of Wyoming, North Dakota, Alaska, and Vermont with ALL U.S. Territories included. In fact, there are 17 States with fewer people in them, than the current number of transgender people in the United States. In other words, it’s not a fad, it’s not something dreamed up, and it’s not something new. It’s more people than the number of Hebrews Moses led out of Egypt. It’s a massive number of people whose lives are much harder than they needed to be, because of how they are treated. I’m one of them.

Transgender people are just people. We’re no different as people than anyone else. We are, however, patriots. Studies show transgender people are twice as likely to serve in the U.S. Military than are other people. We have hopes, goals, and dreams just like everyone else. We have skills, and hobbies. For example, did you know I’m a very good photographer? We are contributing members of society, being factory workers, cops, nurses, managers, firefighters, writers, scientists, soldiers, teachers, artists and so much more.

Christians as a group tend to think transgender people are horribly confused. In fact, the term “people who are confused about their gender” is often used in church circles to refer to transgender people, I suppose because it seems nicer as Christians to say such a thing. The reality is, we aren’t confused at all. We know exactly who we are. Another argument used by Christian leaders is that transgender people are rebelling against God’s authority. This is a leap of logic not remotely supported either in scripture or in the lives of transgender people, but goodness does it sound awesome as part of a sermon! If it is assumed that God, in His authority, created a man and a woman, why in the world would God, in His authority, not be able to create something more in the middle? I seriously doubt His authority is limited. I submit that insisting God only created certain types of people is an attempt by mankind to put limits on the power and authority of God.  Who are we as people to assume God only does what people want or are comfortable with!

Honestly, there’s no scripture saying God hates me. There’s no scripture saying I’m an abomination. There’s no scripture saying I’m going to hell. There is no scripture that says being transgender is a sin. There IS, however, John 3:16 which says “whosever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life”. Then there is Matthew 7 which says “Judge not, or you will be judged”, and James Chapter 4 which asks “Who do you think yourself to be, that you judge your neighbor?”. There is Galatians 3 which says none of us is different than any other of us; we are all the same. There is Romans 10 which says the same Lord is free to all who call upon Him. Free to all. ALL. 

Christians have taught for many years that various groups were not loved by God, didn’t have rights, and were somehow “less than”, others. They’ve used the same arguments over and over through the years to limit women, to stomp down black people, to stomp down Irish people, to condemn interracial marriages, to condemn gay people, and now, to condemn transgender people. Yet Jesus tells us in Matthew 7 to focus on the plank in our own eye, rather than search for the speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye. Despite this, instead of seeing a child of God, they see someone who isn’t exactly like them, and they react by calling these people sinful. Calling someone sinful allows the person to be comfortable treating them badly, and even feel they are doing right to do it. I find no place in scripture where Jesus acted this way.

Christian comedian Mark Lowry laments that Gentile Christians are literally the uninvited guests at the wedding supper (the wedding supper being an analogy for entering into His Kingdom), only being allowed in because His own (the Hebrews) did not receive Him, and though we were the uninvited guests that were let in, now so many of us are standing at the door trying to keep other uninvited guests out. Who are we as Christians to think we can decide who should be let in? How sad!

Thank you for reading this. It is my hope some of your concern has been allayed. I love you.

Bras are....Evil?

2019

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

Did you ever have an irreverent thought?

Well, it was Mother's Day. Though I'm not supposed to be welcome in my parent's home unless I present male, I went up to visit as me (not some guy), accompanied by my awesome wife.

We gave her the gifts we had gotten for her, and a card as well. She was immediately upset because I signed my name. She complained that I should have signed it using my dead-name (she said real name), which she said was the name she gave me. I said, "I know you named me that, but I renamed myself". I'm not sure she heard me. But it was fun.

The other thing she was upset about was that I wear bras. The entire evening, she kept saying to herself that she couldn't believe I was wearing a bra. I get that this one is hard to grasp for an older person. But here's the thing. I have a pretty decent sized chest. As religious as she'd like people to think she is, wouldn't me walking around bra-less be worse?

Regardless, though she doesn't at all like that I'm transgender, and in fact, talks with others as if the whole thing was a shameful secret, if I still had my birth name and had burned my bras (heck no, they cost too much!!!) in a fit of feminist glory, I think the whole thing might have worked well with her!

Hiding Myself

I'm the brunette, transgender woman.

Throughout my childhood, I did this thing that I'd guess many transgender girls didn't do. But who knows?

Anyway, when using the restroom, I'd be in there, sitting on the toilet, and while sitting there, I'd tuck my genitals down between my legs and sit there, pretending that they weren't there. I did it all the time. I also sat down a lot to pee, which I doubt was something my male friends did. I'd tuck my "stuff" down between my legs, and it made this interesting crease, which to me looked very much like what a girl's genitals must look like if they were sitting in the same position. Sure, I was in middle school and still a virgin, and had no real idea. But still, I found myself doing it pretty much every time I went to the bathroom, except at school, because there were no doors on the stalls.

I'd sit there, relaxing, a moment of peace in a hectic world, and then finally I'd be done, and it was time to return to the real world. Looking back, I think that must have been the manifestation of me wanting that portion of me to not be there, of pretending I had none of that. Nowadays, I find the presence of testicles to be very disturbing when I look in the mirror and see them. It's jarring, for lack of a better word.

I wonder how many adults, who know they are trans, or who haven't figured it out yet, did things like that? Or was it just me?

Awkward

2019

I'm the redhead, cis-gender wife. 

Before I begin, I want to stress that one thing we have learned is that transitioning looks different, to different people. 

Well, we have have been working through the transition process for a while now.  Through this, we have noticed that things with family can at times be awkward. Do you know what I mean? It sometimes catches us by surprise, but often, we know going into a situation that things might well be off. 

What do I mean about awkward? One good example is that my wife’s mother refuses to call her by her name. She insists on using her birth name. She does this in public and private. Mt mother-in-law also uses incorrect pronouns when referring to my wife. I use my wife's actual name and her correct pronouns. There is always this tug-of-war of sorts. I find it frustrating that my mother-in-law can be so stubborn. 

It can be awkward because you don't always know what to say to respond, and there always seems to be this odd silence over and over in conversation. It makes things jerky, like an old movie with some of the holes on the side stripped out, so it doesn't flow smoothly. 

The extended family on my wife’s mother’s side of the family don’t utilize my wife’s name as well. I recently had to spend a lot of time with my wife’s mother. I would talk about my wife and utilize her name. My mother-in-law would at times not even acknowledge that I was even talking when talking about my wife. She would also make sure to use my wife’s old name. She would at times make a point to talk about my wife using her old name.

To be honest, since we came out to her, she has gone out of her way to use my wife's birth name as often as possible. Let's say that my wife's birth name was Wayne. Her name really isn't, but for illustration purposes, go with me here. My mother-in-law might say something like: "I was thinking that Wayne could go outside and Wayne could open the shed and Wayne could take out the mower and Wayne could mow the Grass" or "Wayne, would you please go out to the car Wayne and get the bag Wayne out of the back seat Wayne?" 

Now, to be honest, it's not quite that bad. But I swear, you never hear so many 'he"s and "him"s and "his"s coming out of a person's mouth. 

This gets very frustrating and annoying. I would find myself trying to evade using any names at times to talk about my wife. I would in a sense beat about the bush when telling about something that happened at home with my wife. At first, I didn’t even realize I was doing this. I suppose I was avoiding what was in a real sense a confrontation. This went on over several visits during the time frame I had to spend with her.

I finally realized what I was doing and decided that I needed to change my approach. So, I made a point of talking about my wife and of making sure to use my wife's name. Sometimes I would get a reply, a lot of the time I wouldn’t get any comment from my mother-in-law at all. It is awkward at times when talking to my wife’s mother but it is her problem not mine and I refuse to be put in that awkward situation anymore!

Things to take away from this post:

Avoiding confrontation isn't wrong. Sometimes it is a safe move. But to be honest, there often comes a time where continuing to avoid confrontation only makes things worse and avoids addressing the problem. 

Sometimes, you will find yourself using a transgender person's old name, or the incorrect pronouns. When you do, apologize quietly, and change what you say from that time forward. Though it can be hard to change what name and pronouns you use, especially if you've known them for a while, you can change the habit. It takes being intentional about it. In other words, if it is important to you, you will do it. If it isn't, I guess you're my mother-in-law.