The Day My Boss Learned Something

 2023

The Day My Boss Learned Something

One day, at a work meeting, I was relating a story of something that happened at a previous job. My career field is relatively small compared to many, and most people in it had bumped into each other at some point. It turned out my current boss was good friends with the guy who was the Assistant Director of the department at the job I was telling the story about. I've been at my new job about a year, and my boss was loving the idea of getting with his friend to share stories from when I was years younger.

That worried me. Not because I had done anything wrong. I am good at what I do. I wasn't worried about anything they might tell each other, except for one thing. In that previous job from years ago, I was using my deadname. 

As a reminder, a deadname is the name a transgender person was known by before their transition. The last thing I wanted was that name being brought up at work. That  isn't my name, and I don't want people thinking about that name when they see me. 

I honestly didn't know what to do He certainly had a right to speak with his friend about whatever he wished. Yet, my job is a good job, and I'm happy there, and I don't want to see it become less friendly. Does that make sense?

I decided that what I needed to do was explain my concern to my boss. So I sent him a message that said, among other things, that as he spoke with his friend about me, one thing they were going to quickly realize was that my name then was different than what it is now. I explained what a dead name is, and how transgender people typically would go to about any length to not have that name come up. So, I asked him to please keep that name to himself, and please not tell my coworkers. That was, as you might imagine, a difficult message to send. 

Yet, in my job interview, they asked me my thoughts on diversity. So I took the plunge and told them that I'm transgender, right there in the interview. I explained that diversity really matters, that it makes an organization stronger and more effective, and to me personally, it allowed me to have a greater impact on the organization because I could bring my authentic self to work. They hired me. 

So, I sent the message to him.

His response came relatively quickly, and it was brief. He said "That being the case, while I will of course still talk with him, I will not have any conversations with him about you.".

The next morning at work, he sent me another message. I was surprised. "Thank you for helping me learn something new".

I am thankful to have a boss who is open to learning. I know that is a blessing. 

My Name Change Hearing

2019

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

In early 2019, I had a court hearing for the purpose of changing my name.

I tend to try to plan things out in advance. I was trained to do that in the military, and the more stressful I expect the situation to be, the more carefully I plan. That's just how I am wired, I guess. So, I tend to plan as much in advance as I can. 

At Probate Court, in the hearing for my legal name change case, I was very nervous. A lot hinged on that case, and the result of it. I came in armed with talking points, what to say and especially what not to say. There's a lot of information online regarding how to speak in name change hearings for transgender people.

The Magistrate (in our county, there is a Probate Judge and several Magistrates. The Magistrates hear the lower, less important cases) started off by explaining the purpose of the hearing, established the identities of everyone in the room (it was a small hearing room), and then asked me why I wanted to change my name. 

The websites said to explain why it was important in a roundabout manner, to specifically not say I am transgender. So, heeding that advice, I began talking. After about 30 seconds, the Magistrate interrupted me. "Are you transgender?" he asked. Shocked, I responded "Yes, Sir". 

"Just say that next time", he responded. He then announced that he was approving the name change, and handed me the paperwork. Elated, my wife and I left the room. 

In the hallway, I was reading the paperwork, and suddenly noticed that the Magistrate had both signed and dated the paperwork about a month previous. He'd apparently only held the hearing because he was required to. 

Peace and Harmony

 2022

A lot has happened over the last several years. So many big changes. So many things learned, and so much understanding and enlightenment gained. It honestly has been a wild ride!

Among these things have been the following ideas:

1. Many churches want to do the right thing, and genuinely want to be welcoming to LGBTQIA+ people. The obstacles include such things as:

    - A genuine lack of understanding how to even begin to change, or even what change is necessary. It sounds easy, but it takes thought, and wisdom, and courage. Change is not easy.

    - A real (and realistic) fear that taking any steps toward welcoming LGBTQIA+ people will result in them losing attendance, and with that, losing finances. Numbers = $$. 

 - A fear that if they were to try, the church leadership would quickly be out of a job. This is not an unfair fear. Rather, it is entirely possible. 

2. When an LGBTQIA+ person finds a church that sees them as a person, rather than a political issue, it is a wondrous experience! I can't begin to explain how it feels, and I've been there myself. 

3. Living authentically matters. When an LGBTQIA+ person is able to be themselves, there is freedom, peace, self-acceptance. There is the ability to really live. 

4. Support systems matter. A corollary to this is that Family isn't who your blood relatives are, but rather those who have your back, in the midst of the fight. 

5. Prayer matters. Prayer works. When you stop praying in fear "Please God, anything but this! Take it away!" and instead ask God to show you who you are (have you ever really thought about that?), the difference in your thought process is quick and breathtaking. Go back and read number 3. Once your mind is open to exploring YOU, gracious, the difference it makes!

6. God really, honestly, genuinely does love us for exactly who we are. He knit us together in the womb, and knew who we were before we were even born. He knew. He knew because He held the knitting needles. He made me as me. He made you as you, too.