2017
A Homophobic / Transphobic Church
I'm the brunette, transgender wife.
As background, the church I was a part of was a rather conservative church. However, to this point, there had been no real discussion regarding transgender people. I was the chair of the Board of Trustees, which meant that I was the leader of the group that made most financial decisions and administered church assets. The church had become more than a bit stagnant over the last several years. They decided to undertake a leadership retreat to try to get things going again.
As you may, or may not know, many transgender people are uncomfortable in restroom situations, being faced with a choice of using a restroom they feel in their heart is wrong, or getting in trouble for using the restroom their very being tells them to use. Being transgender, I attempted in May of 2017 to convince the church leadership to re-designate a single-use men’s restroom as a family restroom or simply as a restroom, without revealing my reason for wanting this. This attempt was bluntly rejected, with members of the Board of Trustees saying that if they did that, then this would encourage “those people who crossdress" (meaning transgender people) to want to use the restroom, and perhaps wish to attend the church, and that couldn’t be permitted. There was a short discussion about how disgusting these people were, with me sitting there in shocked silence. The cost of a new restroom sign was $35, and they decided it wasn't worth the money, despite them having a budget of hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was bluntly told that there was no reason to change the restroom and that the matter was tabled by a majority vote.
Conversation during the meeting included comments that transgender people are only out to force churches to accede to their demands, that they all have the same agenda, that transgender people weren't real, that transgender people were abominations, that transgender people were deviants, and that transgender people were mentally ill. Mind you, they had no idea that sitting among them was a transgender person.
As background, the church I was a part of was a rather conservative church. However, to this point, there had been no real discussion regarding transgender people. I was the chair of the Board of Trustees, which meant that I was the leader of the group that made most financial decisions and administered church assets. The church had become more than a bit stagnant over the last several years. They decided to undertake a leadership retreat to try to get things going again.
As you may, or may not know, many transgender people are uncomfortable in restroom situations, being faced with a choice of using a restroom they feel in their heart is wrong, or getting in trouble for using the restroom their very being tells them to use. Being transgender, I attempted in May of 2017 to convince the church leadership to re-designate a single-use men’s restroom as a family restroom or simply as a restroom, without revealing my reason for wanting this. This attempt was bluntly rejected, with members of the Board of Trustees saying that if they did that, then this would encourage “those people who crossdress" (meaning transgender people) to want to use the restroom, and perhaps wish to attend the church, and that couldn’t be permitted. There was a short discussion about how disgusting these people were, with me sitting there in shocked silence. The cost of a new restroom sign was $35, and they decided it wasn't worth the money, despite them having a budget of hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was bluntly told that there was no reason to change the restroom and that the matter was tabled by a majority vote.
Conversation during the meeting included comments that transgender people are only out to force churches to accede to their demands, that they all have the same agenda, that transgender people weren't real, that transgender people were abominations, that transgender people were deviants, and that transgender people were mentally ill. Mind you, they had no idea that sitting among them was a transgender person.
A Retreat That Wasn't
Later that same month, the church leadership, including me, attended that weekend retreat I mentioned earlier. Toward the end of the retreat, the person guiding the retreat, a Senior Pastor at another church in our denomination, made the observation that we had to solve our issues because there were bigger issues out there waiting. As an illustration of this, he shared that their church was having to deal with a transgender person attending.
Do you hear the sentiment in that statement? There were gasps, and heads shaking. One woman said "Oh no!" The facilitator told the story of how difficult it had been for their church, because of this person. They had even had to re-designate a single-use bathroom! I overheard someone in the room, a man, say that it was disgusting.
Mind you, this person the facilitator referred to had attended that church their entire life. The entire church knew this person and had known them their entire life, this person now being a young adult. Based on what this Pastor said, this transgender person apparently didn’t want any massive changes on the church's part since they had come out, but the church leadership there saw this as a series of problems they had to solve, to protect themselves. He talked about how much turmoil they had experienced and lamented the many hours spent in discussion of how to protect themselves. Our church leadership was rather concerned by all this.
Later that same month, the church leadership, including me, attended that weekend retreat I mentioned earlier. Toward the end of the retreat, the person guiding the retreat, a Senior Pastor at another church in our denomination, made the observation that we had to solve our issues because there were bigger issues out there waiting. As an illustration of this, he shared that their church was having to deal with a transgender person attending.
Do you hear the sentiment in that statement? There were gasps, and heads shaking. One woman said "Oh no!" The facilitator told the story of how difficult it had been for their church, because of this person. They had even had to re-designate a single-use bathroom! I overheard someone in the room, a man, say that it was disgusting.
Mind you, this person the facilitator referred to had attended that church their entire life. The entire church knew this person and had known them their entire life, this person now being a young adult. Based on what this Pastor said, this transgender person apparently didn’t want any massive changes on the church's part since they had come out, but the church leadership there saw this as a series of problems they had to solve, to protect themselves. He talked about how much turmoil they had experienced and lamented the many hours spent in discussion of how to protect themselves. Our church leadership was rather concerned by all this.
An E-mail From a Transgender Person
Fast forward just a few weeks. Someone contacted our Senior Pastor using the “Contact the Pastor” link on the church web page. They stated that they were a transgender person, with a wife and kids. They had not come out, so no one knew, other than their wife and kids. They were searching for a church that would at least allow them to attend, and participate in events. He asked what our church’s teaching regarding transgender persons was. The Senior Pastor sent out the text of this person’s e-mail, including their name and e-mail address, to members of church leadership, roughly 11 people including me, and invited comments.
Fast forward just a few weeks. Someone contacted our Senior Pastor using the “Contact the Pastor” link on the church web page. They stated that they were a transgender person, with a wife and kids. They had not come out, so no one knew, other than their wife and kids. They were searching for a church that would at least allow them to attend, and participate in events. He asked what our church’s teaching regarding transgender persons was. The Senior Pastor sent out the text of this person’s e-mail, including their name and e-mail address, to members of church leadership, roughly 11 people including me, and invited comments.
The reactions bordered on hysteria. E-mails flew back and forth. There were expressions of dismay, followed quickly by a discussion regarding how to legally protect the church in this situation and overall an expression of the intention of not allowing this person to participate in any way. The prevailing opinion was that this person was clearly setting the church up to be sued. The Senior Pastor also contacted lawyers as well as the state office for our denomination, and also our liability insurance carrier, seeking how to best protect the church.
One woman, who was the chair of our Missions Committee, and I took the opposite path and attempted to convince the others that this was not the end of the world but rather an opportunity and that as Christians, we should welcome this person and their family. Everyone else in leadership took the exclusionary path. In the end, no reply at all was sent to the person. A few weeks later, the person sent another message. This too was not replied to.
It's probably just as well that they didn't hear from the church, though. The Senior Pastor had, after all, outed this person by name to all of the church leadership. There was no consideration that someone there might know this person, work with them, whatever. There was no consideration that outing them might end up costing this person their job or even their relationships. Had that family attended, at the minimum there would have been whispering and pointing.
Ch Ch Ch Changes...
It's probably just as well that they didn't hear from the church, though. The Senior Pastor had, after all, outed this person by name to all of the church leadership. There was no consideration that someone there might know this person, work with them, whatever. There was no consideration that outing them might end up costing this person their job or even their relationships. Had that family attended, at the minimum there would have been whispering and pointing.
Ch Ch Ch Changes...
Changes were coming, though. The insurance carrier, having been asked what to do in response to the e-mail, recommended that since the church had actually been contacted, that the church should play it safe, since the church felt they were being set up, to go ahead and re-designate a restroom, in order to avoid a lawsuit. Mind you, the person had said absolutely nothing at all about restrooms. The lawyers agreed that this seemed wise. The church Board of Trustees, taking up discussion on that point, determined that the safest move was to re-designate a single-use restroom, and thus voted to re-designate the very same restroom I had requested that they re-designate just one month earlier. Do you see the message there? They weren't willing to do it to help someone, but they quickly did it to protect their own butts.
The most outspoken anti-trans board member said he would handle the sign change. This was the same man who had said just one month before that it wasn't worth $35 to make "those people" feel welcome. It took him several more months to get the sign changed, but the bathroom was eventually re-designated as a "family restroom".
The most outspoken anti-trans board member said he would handle the sign change. This was the same man who had said just one month before that it wasn't worth $35 to make "those people" feel welcome. It took him several more months to get the sign changed, but the bathroom was eventually re-designated as a "family restroom".
But, there was much more afoot than I knew... To be continued here: Church Bylaws
Honestly, I'm speechless.
ReplyDeleteDid they forget that they aren't perfect either?
ReplyDeleteThey Did indeed!!
DeleteI believe we should all live as God Created all of Us, He even put some of us in the wrong bodies for a reason,That reason was to be teachers of the rest that don't understand US!!💋 💋 💋 💋 🌹 🌹 🌹🌹
ReplyDelete