The Stories Kids Tell

2024

One interesting thing my wife and I have noticed is the way our kids have responded to the reality of me being trans. They have a great sense of humor, and this topic is just as much the source of humor for them as anything else is. That's fine with me, because frankly, they are hilarious. I don't mean they mock me, because they don't do that at all. But they love to use me being trans to mess with people.

For example, one of them was in training for their job, which requires ongoing group training with employees with similar jobs. We live in a very backward area of Ohio, which outside the bigger cities is a really conservative area. While there, they of course talked about non-work related things as well. So, she was talking about a recent holiday meal we had together, and funny things that had been said, etc., and while talking about it, used my pronouns, yet referred to me as her dad. That is what they call me. See, they had always called me that, and when the time came to come out to people outside our family, they had indicated their preference to continue using that title for me, because I still do the typical dad things for them, like help them jump start their car, etc. So referring to me as "dad" but also as "she" confused the people she was talking to, and she found that hilarious. 

Mind you, I'm fully out publicly, so she wasn't outing me. 

Another time, she was talking with a coworker, and mentioned something about me, and at the confused face of the coworker, said "What? My dad? Oh, she's a woman". The coworker was surprised, and really didn't understand, and when our daughter was telling me about it, well, it was really funny. 

Usually, they'll refer to me as dad, and call me she, but when they get the confused look, not bother to explain. That has led to some funny things too. 

I like that our kids are comfortable enough with my gender to use it to create funny situations with their coworkers. 

Christian Condemnation

2026

One thing I of course have been aware of for years is the idea of condemnation of LGBTQIA+ people, and especially trans people, by Evangelical Christianity. One of the largest things mocked is the idea of someone AMAB (assigned male at birth) "identifying" as a woman. They seem to find the idea of identifying as something laughable. Let's unpack that a bit.

First, the obvious. This is a group of people who self-identify as something - Christian - that they were not at birth. They were literally assigned as Atheist, which of course means they had no religious beliefs at all. Over the years, something they heard led them to decide that they were a Christian. They weren't born that way. Unlike Christians, who chose to be Christians, gay, lesbian, trans, Ace, bisexual, and other LGBTQIA+ identifying people did NOT make a choice to be that way.

But taking it a step further, these Christians then further self-identify as Evangelical, and then further self-identify by general group such as Wesleyan, Armenian, Calvinist, Free Will, Reformed, etc., and then still further by specific group, synod, or denomination, such as Southern Baptist. So they made numerous choices that reflect their religious beliefs. Yet, LGBTQIA+ people made no choice at all about who they are, or what they experience.

Still further, Evangelicals celebrate scriptures that command them not to judge, yet they judge. They read about God having the power to do literally anything, yet they insist that God could never have created a trans person. They insist trans people are, in their words, "going against God's plan" while also insisting that God created everyone and everything, and not having any scripture to support their anti-trans position. 

They read the creation story in Genesis, and don't bat an eye at the conflict of the number of creatures, and totally missing the idea of the word "and" in the things created by God. They choose to ignore that completely. 

I don't identify as a transgender person. I AM a transgender person. When trans people say "Identify", they mean "am". There is no choice involved. 

I'm more than done being condemned by Evangelical Christianity. I am, however, thankful that so many non-evangelical Christians are good people, genuinely loving people. But then, that is why we see so many Evangelical churches fading, while progressive churches are impacting lives. 

When to Say Something?

 One trend I've noticed is that coworkers who know better have started slipping back into calling me "he" or "him". Many of these people have offices in the immediate area of my office, and we interact daily. They don't ever seem to realize they are doing it. Rather, they are reacting to my normal voice, which is in the lower range of voices. I believe it to be a subconscious thing, with no malice behind it, because I work with a group of pretty good people.

Sometimes I say something to them because I genuinely dislike being misgendered. When I say something, the person I mentioned it to is always apologetic and clearly tries to do better. Honestly, they are always startled that they had done it. 

Sometimes I get down on myself for not doing better at using the techniques I have learned in voice therapy that allow me to raise the pitch of my voice. It is possible to do, but honestly, it takes a lot of concentration to maintain that higher pitch, and in longer conversations, it hasn't seemed worth it. 

Then, when I get down on myself for not doing better, I get down on myself for getting down on myself, because I shouldn't have to do better. 

Sometimes I don't say anything to them, but rather, simply cringe just a bit inside. Sometimes I worry that I will be perceived as being difficult if I make too many corrections. I don't want to be the person people tread carefully around when they speak to me, if that makes sense.

Gender is such an awkward thing to navigate when all the slots on the slot machine don't line up. There is unrealized privilege for those whose slots line up; a jackpot of sorts, wherein they don't have to navigate the dissonance and the fallout of that dissonance. I say it is unrealized because when things always make sense to someone, that is so unremarkable to them as to not be noticed. Thus, they find it difficult to understand those whose slot machine is a little different, and they respond without thinking as though no one experiences dissonance. 

We see this all the time when a group of friends or coworkers are walking somewhere, and one of them has just a bit of a mobility issue. Everyone walks happily along, while the one friend slowly fades back a bit, because they simply cannot move as fast. Eventually, the friends notice and stop to wait for their friend to catch up. They apologize, and start off again, albeit a bit more slowly. Yet, within moments, they are proceeding at their precious pace without even realizing it. Does the person with the mobility difficulty keep saying something? Do they struggle along in silence?

In the same way, people react to the gender they perceive through the fog of their own lens, rather than the actual gender of the person. It'd just be nice for it to happen a little less at work. 

I Don't Know...

 I had taken a new job. It was a good job, great benefits, and an excellent opportunity in the field my degree is in. The employer is also LGBTQIA+ friendly in general. My new coworkers did a great job of adapting to a transgender woman joining the team. They integrated me quickly, nailed pronouns every time, asked good, non-invasive questions, and made me feel welcome. In my first few weeks there, I probably met 500 employees, and it went well. Until it didn't.

I'd been there about 2 weeks, and was with a coworker walking through a facility I was responsible for, so I could learn more about the building.  I'm a safety person, and I have responsiblity for multiple buildings. 

We were pretty much done, and were walking through the lobby to go to the elevators so we could go to the executive offices. That would enable me to meet the Associate Director for that facility. Keeping a good working relationship with him was important. 

As we walked across the lobby, the receptionist saw me walking, and thought of something she needed to ask my coworker and I. Though she had been introduced to me about half an hour prior, she called over to us, saying "Excuse me, sir. Ma'am. I don't know what you are."

I'm not going to lie. That was a kick in the stomach. Suddenly, I was wondering if this was the job for me, if I was truly accepted, if there was a lot of hidden bigotry I somehow hadn't picked up on. The culture of the organization we work for is such that she'd have really gotten in trouble had I reported what she said. I didn't report her.

Fast forward a few years. I've probably had over a hundred conversations with her. She seems a good person. Last week, I brought up our first meeting, and reminded her of what she said that day. I explained how I had felt, and that there are still days I hear her say that. I didn't do it to be mean, but rather, because I didn't want to keep holding it against her.

She was shocked, and apologized profusely. What stood out to me in that moment was that I was the very first trans person she had worked with, and she didn't handle it well. Since then, I've seen her interact with multiple gender diverse employees, and she is clearly a good person. So, as in so many other times, I was able to change someone's heart simply by existing, and helping someone see that trans people are valid. 

My Employer At Pride

 For the last three years, I've seen a booth from my employer go up at PRIDE, and coworkers of mine interact with the crowd. Coming after working for more than 9 years for a serious bigot, I still find the idea of an employer that actually supports LGBTQIA+ employees to be strange. They even marched in the parade!

It makes me feel good. That, and the policy that says people can use the restroom of the gender that most closely aligns with who they are. And the LGBTQIA+ Employee Resource Group. And the Diversity Advisory Committee. Add to that us being permitted to put our pronouns on our e-mail signature block, and it's a pretty friendly place to work.

It's pretty cool to work for an organization that values people regardless of their social pedigree, their racial group, their marital status, gender, gender identity, or sex. 

Veteran's Day

 It's Veterans Day here in the United States. I'm retired from the United States Army, and I'm proud of my 28 years of service. I went a lot of places, did a lot of things, and deployed a few times. 

As a transgender person, I wish trans people were welcome in our military. Not welcoming trans people is an unconscionable waste of amazing talent, the inclusion of which would greatly enhance our military, and our country. I had no idea when I joined the Army that many trans people become police officers, or firefighters, or join the military. Percentage-wise, trans people are massively more likely to serve than cis people. 

Not for the first time, I wish I had a female dress blue uniform. It shouldn't matter, but it does. When Veterans Day comes, and veterans post photos in uniform, it bothers me that I don't have any of me that I can use. Yet, I am very proud of my contribution. 

This Veterans Day, I'm thankful for the 16 million veterans, and especially for the roughly 134,000 transgender veterans currently living in the United States. Men, women, and others who stood tall and said "Nothing is going to hurt you tonight. Not on my watch." 

Thank you for your service!

Have a blessed Veterans Day.

Pronouns at Church

 The church I attend does something cool, which is that whenever anyone gets up front, they identify themselves by giving their name and pronouns. If you've read a lot of y posts, you know that pronouns are important, and giving pronouns when you get up to talk is a great way to tell trans and non-binary people that they are valued. It's something I wish more organizations did.

Sometimes, though, someone makes a mistake. We're all human, right? There is one man who routinely gets my pronouns wrong, but every time he does, it bothers him and he apologizes sincerely. He intends to get it right. Honestly, my voice doesn't help. I have a pretty low-pitched voice. But I appreciate him, because his heart is in the right place, and I know that, and the fact that he really is trying means a lot to me. 

There is another man who also gets my pronouns wrong. He never apologizes, and the way he speaks to me tells me that he doesn't see me as me. I've tried to ignore it, because it honestly comes across as intentional. It bothers me. I don't know what his intent is. It's getting more common, and I'm thinking I'm going to have to talk with him, though I'd rather not have to. I'll keep you posted.