Hiding Myself

I'm the brunette, transgender woman.

Throughout my childhood, I did this thing that I'd guess many transgender girls didn't do. But who knows?

Anyway, when using the restroom, I'd be in there, sitting on the toilet, and while sitting there, I'd tuck my genitals down between my legs and sit there, pretending that they weren't there. I did it all the time. I also sat down a lot to pee, which I doubt was something my male friends did. I'd tuck my "stuff" down between my legs, and it made this interesting crease, which to me looked very much like what a girl's genitals must look like if they were sitting in the same position. Sure, I was in middle school and still a virgin, and had no real idea. But still, I found myself doing it pretty much every time I went to the bathroom, except at school, because there were no doors on the stalls.

I'd sit there, relaxing, a moment of peace in a hectic world, and then finally I'd be done, and it was time to return to the real world. Looking back, I think that must have been the manifestation of me wanting that portion of me to not be there, of pretending I had none of that. Nowadays, I find the presence of testicles to be very disturbing when I look in the mirror and see them. It's jarring, for lack of a better word.

I wonder how many adults, who know they are trans, or who haven't figured it out yet, did things like that? Or was it just me?