1981
This might be the hardest post to write I've done, thus far. I have a lot of emotions churning in me, writing this.
I was a freshman in high school. It was the fall, and I was in the boy's locker room. I was small for my age. I don't recall if it was because of soccer practice, or what, but I had been taking a shower. I was still in the shower area, having just wrapped up my shower, and was heading to where my towel was.
A Guy Came In
A guy came into the shower area, and as I reached for my towel, he put his hand on the back of my neck and pushed me roughly against the wall. I remember the left side of my face being pressed against the tile and the cold feel of the tile on the skin of my chest and stomach. He was a very big guy. I felt one of his legs push between mine, and he spread my legs apart. He rammed his lower body against me, pressing me against the wall, and then I felt him against me. He was hard, and he pressed it against my butt and back, with both hands pushing my shoulders and head against the wall. He told me to hold still or else.
He was moving against me, and I remember him grunting into my ear. He was very strong, and I felt him holding me against the wall. I tried to push away from the wall, away from him. I couldn't move. I tried hard. The harder I tried, the harder he held me against the wall. I remember saying "please don't" over and over. "Shut the %^&# up and hold still!" he growled, and he smacked the side of my head and moved harder against me. He just kept moving, and moving, and moving.
I remember feeling helpless. I was crying by this point, and I heard his breathing increase. Suddenly, he pressed hard against me and groaned, and then I felt him finish on the small of my back. I remember the heat of it as he splashed wetly on me.
Then He Was Done
He pushed me roughly to my right, very hard, away from the entrance to the shower, and when I got my balance and turned around, he was already gone.
I was numb, crying, and felt sick to my stomach. I felt used and filthy, and all I wanted was to be clean. I quickly turned on the shower and washed as well as I could. Then I washed again, and again. I just wanted the feel of him off of me, to be clean, to be okay.
I have no idea who this guy was. He was large and strong, and white, with dark hair. I never saw his face. He would have had to be an upperclassman, because of his size, and the beard stubble I felt. I never knew who he was. For months, every time a large guy with dark hair passed me in the hallway, I shrank from him and tried to get away.
As often happens in traumatic situations, my brain eventually put the memory of this event away. That lasted for a lot of years. I existed in a state of not remembering what happened while going through the effects of it anyway.
This memory resurfaced, hitting me suddenly, a few weeks ago, at work. I have no idea what brought it to my mind. I was talking with some customers and walked back to my work truck, and suddenly I was there in the shower, feeling the cold shower wall, feeling his hands on me, feeling him against me. I must have looked like a crazy person, sobbing in my work truck.
I'm so thankful I have a good support system now because when this hit me, I was a wreck.
I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH IF YOU ARE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, GET HELP! Talk to someone, as often as you need to.
The fact you were victimized in such a way does not from your narrative indicate it was related to being trans. Being small and thus vulnerable seems to be the operative issue of the sexual assault happening. Remember, sexual assault is rarely about sex but is often very much about power and power inequity between the victim and perpetrator. If this is causing problems today find a rape victim support group. Your story is not in the least unusual neither is your emotional reaction to the situation. As you have experienced, men can be, and are, sexually assaulted. They often have more severe reactions because of the social pressure which says men are NOT sexually assaulted (a lie) and that men should be strong and manly enough to repel such an attack (another lie). Don't let the social lies get to you. A support group will help you see that you are neither alone nor somehow deserving of such an attack.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the attack was not related to me being trans. That, of course, gives it no less an impact. Men can indeed be raped / sexually assaulted. I disagree that the reaction a man has is more severe. sexual assault hits anyone hard.
DeleteThis is so terrible, and yet something so many cis and trans women go through, including me. Thank you so much for being open, and sharing!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI also wanted to say that I am sorry to read that you too have experienced a similar event. I hope you are well.
DeleteIt hits very hard for both men and women. But, having said that women have far more resources made available to them than men which tends to marginalize the male experiences because of more rejection of the reality of the experience can be re-traumatizing. Not only are men often dealing with the initial sexual assault but they subsequently have to deal with the systemm's apparent trivialization of that experience which is further complicated by the general societies trivialization.
ReplyDeleteI was in no way denigrating the impacts sexual assaults have on women with my comment. To clarify, I think men may have some greater issues with re-victimization. First of all the system is far more prepared to offer resources to a woman suffering from sexual assault than it is for me. Many shelters and service providers are women only. The paucity of resources tends to trivialize the experience that men experience thereby re-victimizing and man. Additionally, the social attitude of the general populace still tends to say to men (1) just suck it up and get on with it, (2) when it is a woman who is the perpetrator the attitude of "what, you didn't enjoy it and (3)you mean you wern't man enough to avoid/get out of the situation? Again another trivialization which tends to happen to men who report being a victim of sexual assault. These attitudes are declining but I still hear them. Lastly, there is the near universal emphasis on "women" when talking about sexual assault with little or no mention of men another slap in the face for men who experience this trauma. It is from this perspective that I was saying that in some respects (and speaking in general and not specific) it is harder for a male victim of sexual assault than it is for a woman
ReplyDeleteHow horrible!
ReplyDeleteI'm curious if after you suffered this sexual assault by the much bigger upperclassman, did it make you feel afterwards like no girl would want to date you because you'd been violated like that? Or put another way, did it afterward make you feel like you somehow were not worthy of dating girls because of what had been done to you? Or was there no real impact where girls were concerned in relation to your sexuality?-dani
ReplyDeleteThe assault did not have a negative effect on me regarding women. I still found, and find, women attractive. I went on to date girls, and have been in an awesome marriage with a woman for many years.
DeleteReading this made me feel scared, and cold. I'm so sorry this happened.
ReplyDeleteI understand feeling cold and scared. Been there. :-)
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