Counseling Helps

2019

This is the brunette, transgender wife.

Recently, in conversation with one of our kids, I asked them what advice they would give others in their position, as older teens or young adults whose parent was coming out. The answer wasn't what I thought I'd hear.

"Counseling really helped," was the answer, from both of them, in separate conversations.

My wife and I had been participating in counseling. We didn't have issues; our marriage is great, actually. But we wanted to make sure we were keeping good communication. It seemed wise in light of the changes we were going through.

Along the way, the counselor indicated that she'd be willing to meet with our kids if they so desired. So we found a day that they were free, we were free, and the counselor had an opening.

This gave our kids some things of value so high that it cannot be calculated. They had a chance to speak their mind, in a neutral and non-confrontational setting. It also gave them a chance to ask questions they might not normally have asked. It also gave them the opportunity to hear someone with knowledge on the topic tell them that there is absolutely nothing wrong with what was going on and that how they felt was normal, understandable, and good.

If you're in my situation...realizing you're transgender, scared, worried about your family, and all the other things that come with it, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

If you're a young adult or older teen whose parent, sibling, or close friend is working out their gender, find someone to talk to. Someone who knows LGBT issues because they won't simply tell you that your family member or friend is a horrible person for what they're doing. Find someone who actually understands what is going on, and who can help you with working through your feelings and thoughts.

Get counseling. Not just for you, but for your spouse, your kids, whoever. Do it. Find someone who understands LGBT and family issues, and sit down and talk, as many times as needed.

Don't underestimate the impact it can have.

The Mirror

2019

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

One thing I have noticed is that I don't hate the mirror like I used to. I wasn't one of those people who looked in the mirror and thought I was ugly or something. But seeing myself in the mirror was always jarring.

Mirrors are a Problem

When you look at the mirror, and the image you see looks nothing like who you are, it unsettles you immensely. Looking in the mirror was thus difficult, yet something I had to do pretty much every day in my adulthood because as a Soldier I had to be cleanly shaven.

Full-length mirrors were a problem for me. Sure, bathroom mirrors were an issue, because my face didn't match my perception. But a full-length mirror was particularly jarring. I suppose it was because the entire image of me, head to toe, was just too much to deal with. So, when I had to look into a mirror at all, I only looked as long as absolutely necessary, but if it was a full-length mirror, I would quickly glance and move away. My wife says a full-length mirror was my nemesis.

Smiling at the Mirror

I'm well along into transition, hormones, etc. When I look in the mirror nowadays, I tend to smile. What I see seems like so much more representational of who I am. I have seen the seat of my pants fill out more, and I can now wear women's tops and look good in them!

Sometimes I like how a certain clothing item looks on me. Sometimes I don't. So sometimes, that makes me frown. But overall, I like what I see in the mirror now.

There's a peace that comes with an image in the mirror that resonates. I can't find a way to describe it. But, it's there.

Buying Clothes in a Pinch

2017

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

I was working and was a long drive from the office. I was filling in for a sick employee, and had become contaminated with an essential oils based chemical that had spilled down my back and the backs of my legs in sufficient quantity to soak my clothing. Like many companies, our “unisex uniform” consisted of a pair of men’s khaki work pants, and a man’s polo shirt.

One of the essential oils was a strong peppermint oil, which causes burns. I was in a lot of pain and needed to get changed fast, to remove the chemical exposure that was increasingly burning me. There was a store nearby that sold clothing, so I went there.

I needed to move quickly, as the burning was getting worse. I went to the area where clothing was sold, and quickly found a pair of androgynous khaki pants, a pair of socks, an androgynous top, and a package of panties. I moved quickly to the checkout line, and stood there, my skin burning more, waiting my turn as the cashiers chatted with their customers.

Finally, it was my turn. I placed the clothing on the counter, and asked the cashier if it was okay if I went straight to the changing room and changed as soon as we were done. I explained that I had spilled some chemicals on me, and needed to get out of those clothes, but didn’t want them to think I was trying to steal any clothing.

The cashier said “sure”, and started ringing up the clothing. All went well until she picked up the panties.

“These are panties,” she said.

“Yes they are”, I replied.

“These are panties,” she said again, much louder. People in line and at other cash registers started to turn toward us.

“These panties can’t possibly be for you” she announced very loudly. I heard a woman laugh behind me.

“No, of course not”, I stammered in my deep voice. “They’re for my wife”.

She finished ringing me up, and I left the area as quickly as possible. I went to the changing rooms and undressed. I noticed in the mirror that my chemical burned skin was bright red, from shoulders to feet. I dressed in the new clothes. Then, I headed toward the exit. On the way, I came across the cashier from before, who pointedly asked what I had done with the panties. I didn’t have any choice but to show her the open package. She looked me up and down, then she left me alone, to leave the store.

I felt embarrassed and humiliated. But at the same time, I felt proud of myself, for even going in, and buying what I bought.

Excuse Me, Ladies

2019

As often happens, my wife and I were at our local Kroger store. It was chilly and rainy out, a typical early March in Ohio. The wind was pretty strong, and by the time we got to the entrance, we were feeling pretty buffeted.

We were just entering, and in front of us, coming toward us, was an elderly black man on one of those powered carts that so many stores have now.

As we approached him, we moved to the side to allow him to pass, and he did the same thing, at the same time. He said: "Excuse me, ladies." and motioned for us to go on through. So, onward we went, thanking him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my wife smile, and I knew I was smiling too.

Such a simple phrase. In the overall scheme of things, it was a simple statement. But it is also the first time someone ever called me that in public. For me, it was momentous.

Rock the Boat?

2019

I'm the redhead, cis-gender wife.

Not too long ago I was on a social media site and was reading a post by a person
talking about transgender people.  They stated that if you have XX chromosomes,
you are for sure a woman, and if you have XY chromosomes, you are a male. They
said that there is nothing in between but that each person is either male or female,
depending on their chromosomes.  They said that no one could have a woman’s
genitals and be a man, or have male genitals and be a woman. They were basically
saying in a strong way that things are this way and no one else can say otherwise.

This got me to thinking about what this person was saying but also about what others
do and say.  This led to me wondering what has happened to common courtesy?  
What has happened with people respecting others just for being people?  Have you
actually talked with and spent time with a transgender person?  Honestly, I'll bet you
did, and possibly didn't even know it. Many people interact with transgender people
without having a clue. Do you know the fear, anxiety, and ridicule that plagues them?  
It’s about a person having the right to be who they are deep down.

I know some transgender people.  One thing I know is that transgender people are
the same as anyone else.  They want to be treated with common courtesy and not
made to feel like an outcast or that they are "dirty". They haven't chosen this life.  
Trust me if a transgender person could choose they wouldn't likely choose to be
transgender.

Frankly, it's like the debate about what percentage of people are intersex? Who
cares? If that percentage is 17%, 1.7%, 0.17%, or 0.017%, why does that matter?
They still exist, and they’re still who they are. They didn’t choose to be intersex.
Why does it matter if the overall number of transgender people is relatively small?
If the fact that the number of trans people is small gives you the sort of false
courage needed to act like a complete jackass toward them, what does that say
about you as a person? 

There are hurdles that transgender people have to deal with that most of us can't
begin to understand. Things most of us don’t even think about. These are things
that happen all the time to transgender people.  Once they accept the fact that they
are trans there are often lots of things they have to overcome that they might not
see looming ahead of them.  They have the problem of being ostracized by family,
society, and church. Mind you, churches and transgender people are a completely
different thing and one that I won't go into because it angers me the way
"Christians" treat LGBT people in general.

My wife was born with a guy’s body. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t one of the
girliest girls I’ve ever met. Since we faced her reality head-on, I’ve seen her
blossom and grow as a person in ways not possible before. It’s been fun and
educational to see her become herself.

It's not about rocking the boat.  Transgender people can't help that the person who
they really are doesn't fit the body that they have.  I believe people should be
advocates for the transgender community. Allies, they call us. I will do what I can to
help them because there are too many people out there who in their ignorance or
prejudice feel that transgender people shouldn't even exist or that being is a choice.
But we didn't choose to have the hair color we have, or the eye color we have, or
being left or right handed. We are born with these attributes. In the same way, a
transgender person is born with their attributes.  

I realize this may be preaching and I don't mean to be.  I also don't mean for this to

be shoved down anyone's throat. I just have seen transgender people marginalized
over and over, and I know that education and understanding can change lives.
Thinking about it, maybe it's a bit about rocking the boat, after all?

I Missed It Completely

2019

My wife and I were walking through the local Kroger store, intending to pick up some milk and a few other things. We had actually just come from the hearing to change my name. I was wearing a pair of tight blue jeans, a red long sleeve top, and a pair of ankle boots with a bit of a heel. My hair, recently styled into a pixie cut, was looking nice.

As we walked through the store, a tall man was walking toward us and passed us slowly on my right side. After he passed, my wife started giggling. I looked at her, and she just grinned. I asked her what she was laughing about.

She made me wait a moment while she giggled some more. Then she told me. "You just got checked out", she said. I had no idea what she was talking about. She explained to me that the man who had just gone past us had checked me out, twice, head to toe, in the way that men check out a woman.

You know what? I didn't notice a thing. I missed it completely. But goodness, was I grinning at that point!