High Heeled Boots

1991

I'm the brunette, transgender wife. 

My wife’s brother-in-law was in the first Gulf War. When he was coming home, his wife, my wife’s sister, had our niece and nephew stay with us, so that she could have some alone time with her husband.

After several days, my wife's sister and her husband returned to get the kids. After they left, we discovered that my wife's sister had left a pair of boots, a grey, somewhat high heeled pair, at our house. My wife and I commented on the fact that she had left them, tossed them into the closet, and went on about our lives. 

Those boots, for reasons unknown to me then, for lack of a better phrase, called to me. I took them out to look at them multiple times, each time evaluating them for how they looked, would they be comfortable for a person to wear, etc. But that was it. It was a series of inconsequential incidents that seemed to mean nothing.

Summer came on, and my wife, a member of the Army National Guard, began attending annual training. Now, her annual training was a different experience from that of most members of the National Guard. We lived about an hour away from her unit, and she worked at the state headquarters, and so her 2 week training time was spent locally. She came home at night.

About 2 days after her training started, those boots were on my mind for whatever reason. So I took them out again and was evaluating them. Suddenly I realized I was wondering how those boots would feel, on me! Shocked and more than a little horrified at my thought process, I threw them back into the closet. I did my best to ignore the fact they were even in the house.

This worked for a few days. But not for long. I found myself getting them out again. I had no idea if they would fit, but the next thing I knew, I was sitting on the couch, pulling one of those boots on. At that time in my life, I had never considered the fact that I have small feet. I was actually surprised when the boot, though slightly snug, fit decently well. So, I pulled on the other boot. I sat there for a moment, honestly wondering why in the world I had even put them on. But, I figured, since they were on, why not walk around in them?

Walking in heels is a learned art. No one is an immediate natural at it. I’m sure I looked like a drunk moose, walking around our apartment in those boots. But, I quickly got much better at it. Suddenly, I realized that I LIKED wearing them! I heard myself say "What in the world am I doing?". Again, I was shocked at myself, and at what I was thinking. I couldn’t get those boots off fast enough. Back into my wife’s closet they went.

The next day, and the day after, and the day after, those boots wouldn’t leave me alone. Soon, they were out again, and I was walking around again in them. They felt relatively comfortable, and I really started to love how I felt in them. Each time that feeling surfaced, off the boots went. The day after that, as I walked around the apartment, I realized that I wanted to wear those boots outside. Cue the horrified reaction, and the boots went back to their rightful place.

Then came the last day of my wife’s annual training. I sat there, those boots in my hands. I told myself that this was it. The last chance to wear them. But also, that if I put them on, I needed to do it all the way. Either wear them outside or don’t wear them at all.

It was still very early in the morning on a weekend and was grey and foggy out. I dressed, those boots were soon on my feet. I put on my long military dress raincoat, the kind that looks like a trench coat. I put on one of my wife’s fedora style hats. Then, I was standing at the door, my heart pounding, simultaneously terrified that I would be seen and found out, and yet, feeling that for some reason, I really needed to do this. I made my decision, and turned away from the door, and went back to the bedroom to take off the boots.

Then, I turned around again and went to the door. "What if someone sees me?" I wondered. Then, I turned and went back toward the bedroom. This process repeated several times. But then came the time I put my hand on the doorknob. Filled with sudden resolve, I turned the knob and stepped outside our apartment into the fog.

It was an epic fog, right out of an English novel, so that provided me some cover. But, I was an active duty Soldier, and we lived on an Army base. So, being found out could go badly. Despite that, I walked down the sidewalk toward the street. The sound of the boot heels on the pavement seemed shockingly loud, but I suspect now that this was more a result of being nervous than anything else. Quickly, I was at the street. I turned and followed the sidewalk along the street. At first, my steps were tentative, unsure, but as I walked I soon was striding with much more confidence. I soon came to a cross street and turned down it. In the fog, a car came past, and I wanted to find a place to hide, but there were none. Thankfully, they didn’t even slow down. I walked about a quarter of a mile down that road, and then turned around, and walked home.

Finally, I was going up my own walk. As I stepped in the door, I remember feeling surprised that it appeared no one had noticed, and feeling an odd sense of pride. The boots came off with a little bit of regret, and into the closet they went. I don’t remember what happened to those boots. But I do know that I never put them on again.

Quote From My Boss

2019

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

It's been a year since I took the last steps toward living authentically in public. This included coming out at work, including coming out to my conservative Christian boss. If I'm being honest, my wife and I, as well as allies, expected that there might be problems regarding my boss, related to me being transgender. For a long time after I came out, he acted uncomfortable around me.

Recently, my boss was walking past me, and he surprised me by stopping me. He shuffled his feet and looked at me.

"You know, I wasn't sure what to expect," he said. "But you caused me to realize how wrong I was in how I was thinking," he said, "about a lot of things."

Then he turned and walked off. Me? I went inside with a smile.

What I'd Tell Myself Looking Back

2019

Iceberg Right Ahead!

I'm the brunette, transgender wife

Remembering back to when my wife and I began this journey, it is interesting to think of how things have changed. But what once seemed so daunting - a massive series of roadblocks in front of us - turned out to be a breathtakingly freeing experience.

I remember the tears when it finally clicked what was going on in my life. That sudden, shocking (to me) realization of the reason behind what I'd been experiencing. The emotional turmoil. The fear. The questions. What did this all mean? What was up ahead?

My mind went to the stories I'd heard about people transitioning and it being disastrous for them. Their lives ruined. The drama. The upheaval. The loss. I didn't want my life to be a disaster!

Put On The Brakes!

Stop. Take a deep breath. Relax.

It's not the end of your life. It's not the end of your relationships, or at least it doesn't have to be. It's not the end of your job, or at least it doesn't have to be.

Don't panic. Sure, there are roadblocks. Or are there, really? For me, the roadblocks turned out to be hurdles. Roadblocks bar your progress forward, but hurdles can be leaped over.

Get some help. No matter how strong you are, no matter how self-assured you are, get some help. Having someone to talk with as you make plans and go through changes can be that stabilizing presence in your life that you need when the changes, physical and in your thought process, come.

Sunrise on a Cruise Ship

My wife and I went on a cruise, years back. I'm an early riser, and so I discovered that the ship had an outdoor running track on one of the upper decks. I got up each morning and went out there, and walked. As I walked, the sun came up over the ocean. There was nothing out there at all in sight but us. It was peaceful and beautiful and relaxing.

That's what this is. At least, that's what this is if you let it be. Just a sunrise viewed from a cruise ship. There is beauty here. There is opportunity here. Opportunity to learn, grow, change for the better. There is peace here, just waiting to be found.

Friendships worth maintaining will be maintained. Sure, you might have a friend or two that you figure out, through this, are not the sort of people you want as friends. That's fine! Part ways amicably, and realize that you'll end up with new friends.

If you have a good job with a good employer, it'll still be there. If you don't, that job might leave, in which case, for your peace of mind, that's the best thing, long term. Dust yourself off and update your resume, and go get another job.

If your relationships with family are built on good communication, they still will be. If they aren't, they still won't be.

It's the End of the World As We Know It!

It might be. But just because it's the end of the world as you know it, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. There's this fresh, clean smell after it has rained. Do you know the smell I mean? It makes you feel so good when you smell it! That smell is there because the rain has rinsed away that which is toxic or impure, and what's left is supposed to be there.

That's what this is. It's that fresh, clean smell. A breath of fresh air. The next step on the journey. Sure, there will be changes. That's okay. Take a deep breath. You're becoming yourself, finally. Relax. Enjoy it. Get ready for an amazing ride.

Look. Do you see it? The sun is coming up over the ocean! Isn't it beautiful?

10 Awesome Things People Have Said To Me Recently

I am the brunette, transgender wife.

1. "I love you!" - my amazing wife
2.  "Are you two mother and daughter? You look just alike." - a female gas station clerk addressing my and our youngest child
3.  "You must feel awesome" - youngest child, exiting the above-mentioned gas station with me
4. "After you, ma'am." - a twenty-something guy holding a door for me
5. "I love your hair." - coworker
6. "It's been a lot of fun watching her bloom" - my amazing wife, referring to me
7. "That's a great color on you! You should wear that a lot!" - a young woman at church referring to a teal shirt I wore
8. "Would this be separate checks or together?" - a waitress to my wife and I, tacitly acknowledging we're 2 women
9. "May I help you ladies?" - a coffee shop employee to my wife and me
10. "Oh you shouldn't have told me that!" - a local Wal mart manager, glowing with the anticipation upon hearing that the changing room employees have been a bit difficult, going on to explain how she was going to fix that issue

Religion and Life - The First Letter to My Parents

This is the first of a series of letters I sent my parents after I came out to them. 

Dad and Mom,

I hope you are well. Me? I’m well.

I wanted to try to tell you a little bit about me, and explain a few things, in the hope it will lead to greater understanding.  I believe we need to have these conversations, even if they make us uncomfortable. It is important to understand, and it can be difficult to understand and believe what seems different. Accordingly, I ask you to put aside what you believe you believe and put aside what you think you know and listen to my words. Allow what I am saying to speak to you because this is the truth. I don’t refer to some lofty, abstract truth someone talks about in an hour-long sermon, but rather truth I personally experience firsthand.

I know you have a religious basis for your reaction to what we’ve told you. I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve talked to literally thousands of Christians, and I know the basis behind the issues. I know you’re not trying to be mean, and I know you’re acting out of fear and concern. I know this concern is distressing for you, and I hope I can ease that concern through these letters.

I wanted to tell you that Christians who insist the Bible says transgender people are sinners or are hated by God or are going to hell are mistaken. It’s just plain not in there. At all. Not one single verse speaks against me as a person, or as a child of God. Many of these Christians are simply repeating what they’ve heard said by others. Some of them are acting out of fear. Some of them are acting out of hate. Most of them are simply doing what people do, and thus reacting negatively to anything different than them. But the reality is this: the people in the Bible who are gender-non-conforming (not being who their sex says they are supposed to be) are not horrible people at all. In fact, one of the first persons recorded in scripture as becoming a follower of Christ after His resurrection was a eunuch – a gender non-conforming person.

There is a very common argument used by Christians to speak against transgender people. This argument can be summed up in this manner: “The Bible says God only made men and women. Not transgender people”. Yet, here we are. For that matter, most transgender people are still either men or women. But this isn’t really the point. Does the Bible really say God ONLY made men and separately, women? Actually, no. Genesis says God created people male and female. It does NOT say God created them male OR female. It says “and”, not “or”. When a person buys groceries, the bagger asks “paper or plastic?” in order to determine which of the two types of bags you’d like to get. You get paper, or you get plastic. If they asked “paper and plastic?” It’d be odd seeming, but you’d also get bags made out of both paper and plastic. Does this make sense? Imagine an emergency where someone calls for the police and the paramedics, and only one or the other showed up. When someone calls for the police and the paramedics, they don’t expect to get only police cars or ambulances. They expect to get both. Furthermore, some police officers are also paramedics.

God created light and darkness in Genesis. Genesis says light and darkness are separate, but then, we can easily see they are often mixed together. Hence, the dim light of dawn or a gloomy library in an old house, not to mention dusk, dawn, and twilight. Let’s not forget the dim light in the corner of the room in the morning or evening. God created land and seas, and scripture says they are separate, in Genesis. Yet, there are marshes along the coasts, where the land and the water are mixed together, as well as bogs and swamps, etc. totaling millions of acres in the USA alone. Freshwater and saltwater are separate, created by God to be this way, right? Genesis says so.  He even made aquatic life that lives exclusively in one or the other. Yet, estuaries along major river outlets are a curious mixture of saltwater and freshwater, and there is aquatic life thriving there. There are entire seas of mixed salt and freshwater, and we shouldn’t forget the massive Hudson Bay. There are “freshwater” lakes just salty enough for saltwater fish to thrive there. It’s light AND darkness, not light OR darkness. It’s land AND water, not land OR water. It’s saltwater AND freshwater, not saltwater OR fresh water. They are combined, despite what many Christians believe Genesis says. People are the same way. All of us – every single one of us – is in some way a combination.  The presence of the word “and” in Genesis is vital and telling. It’s male AND female, not male OR female. God made all these things as opposites, yet He also made them in such a way that they can, and do, blend together into all sorts of combinations.

Transgender people have been present throughout recorded history. It’s nothing new, and it isn’t a “modern-day epidemic”. There were transgender people in all periods of history. Some cultures have had some sort of third gender for centuries. The Hebrew culture, on which scripture is based, actually has six different genders in their ancient writings, the Talmud and the Mishnah (also sometimes called the Mishna) as well as in dozens of other historical Hebrew texts. There were transgender people around you in your youth too. You just probably didn’t know it. It was much more carefully hidden if nothing else because someone known to be transgender would have been treated in a manner that was beyond hideous.

Some amazingly well-known people in years past were transgender, including Wilmer Broadnax, lead singer of the Golden Echoes, a well known Christian quartet in the late ’50s and early ’60s, and of the Five Blind Boys of Mississippi, a Gospel group in the later 1960s. Another interesting example is jazz musician Billy Tipton, who was transgender. More modern examples include actress Nicole Mains, writer/director Jake Graf, author April Daniels, pop singer Kim Petras, Model Hunter Schafer, actor Elliot Page, and actresses Michelle Hendley and Jazz Jennings. Generally, surveys estimate the current number of transgender people in the United States to be somewhere between 1.5 million and 3 million people. Million. Yes, I mean million. That’s more than the combined populations of Wyoming, North Dakota, Alaska, and Vermont with ALL U.S. Territories included. In fact, there are 17 States with fewer people in them, than the current number of transgender people in the United States. In other words, it’s not a fad, it’s not something dreamed up, and it’s not something new. It’s more people than the number of Hebrews Moses led out of Egypt. It’s a massive number of people whose lives are much harder than they needed to be, because of how they are treated. I’m one of them.

Transgender people are just people. We’re no different as people than anyone else. We are, however, patriots. Studies show transgender people are twice as likely to serve in the U.S. Military than are other people. We have hopes, goals, and dreams just like everyone else. We have skills, and hobbies. For example, did you know I’m a very good photographer? We are contributing members of society, being factory workers, cops, nurses, managers, firefighters, writers, scientists, soldiers, teachers, artists and so much more.

Christians as a group tend to think transgender people are horribly confused. In fact, the term “people who are confused about their gender” is often used in church circles to refer to transgender people, I suppose because it seems nicer as Christians to say such a thing. The reality is, we aren’t confused at all. We know exactly who we are. Another argument used by Christian leaders is that transgender people are rebelling against God’s authority. This is a leap of logic not remotely supported either in scripture or in the lives of transgender people, but goodness does it sound awesome as part of a sermon! If it is assumed that God, in His authority, created a man and a woman, why in the world would God, in His authority, not be able to create something more in the middle? I seriously doubt His authority is limited. I submit that insisting God only created certain types of people is an attempt by mankind to put limits on the power and authority of God.  Who are we as people to assume God only does what people want or are comfortable with!

Honestly, there’s no scripture saying God hates me. There’s no scripture saying I’m an abomination. There’s no scripture saying I’m going to hell. There is no scripture that says being transgender is a sin. There IS, however, John 3:16 which says “whosever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life”. Then there is Matthew 7 which says “Judge not, or you will be judged”, and James Chapter 4 which asks “Who do you think yourself to be, that you judge your neighbor?”. There is Galatians 3 which says none of us is different than any other of us; we are all the same. There is Romans 10 which says the same Lord is free to all who call upon Him. Free to all. ALL. 

Christians have taught for many years that various groups were not loved by God, didn’t have rights, and were somehow “less than”, others. They’ve used the same arguments over and over through the years to limit women, to stomp down black people, to stomp down Irish people, to condemn interracial marriages, to condemn gay people, and now, to condemn transgender people. Yet Jesus tells us in Matthew 7 to focus on the plank in our own eye, rather than search for the speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye. Despite this, instead of seeing a child of God, they see someone who isn’t exactly like them, and they react by calling these people sinful. Calling someone sinful allows the person to be comfortable treating them badly, and even feel they are doing right to do it. I find no place in scripture where Jesus acted this way.

Christian comedian Mark Lowry laments that Gentile Christians are literally the uninvited guests at the wedding supper (the wedding supper being an analogy for entering into His Kingdom), only being allowed in because His own (the Hebrews) did not receive Him, and though we were the uninvited guests that were let in, now so many of us are standing at the door trying to keep other uninvited guests out. Who are we as Christians to think we can decide who should be let in? How sad!

Thank you for reading this. It is my hope some of your concern has been allayed. I love you.

Bras are....Evil?

2019

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

Did you ever have an irreverent thought?

Well, it was Mother's Day. Though I'm not supposed to be welcome in my parent's home unless I present male, I went up to visit as me (not some guy), accompanied by my awesome wife.

We gave her the gifts we had gotten for her, and a card as well. She was immediately upset because I signed my name. She complained that I should have signed it using my dead-name (she said real name), which she said was the name she gave me. I said, "I know you named me that, but I renamed myself". I'm not sure she heard me. But it was fun.

The other thing she was upset about was that I wear bras. The entire evening, she kept saying to herself that she couldn't believe I was wearing a bra. I get that this one is hard to grasp for an older person. But here's the thing. I have a pretty decent sized chest. As religious as she'd like people to think she is, wouldn't me walking around bra-less be worse?

Regardless, though she doesn't at all like that I'm transgender, and in fact, talks with others as if the whole thing was a shameful secret, if I still had my birth name and had burned my bras (heck no, they cost too much!!!) in a fit of feminist glory, I think the whole thing might have worked well with her!

Hiding Myself

I'm the brunette, transgender woman.

Throughout my childhood, I did this thing that I'd guess many transgender girls didn't do. But who knows?

Anyway, when using the restroom, I'd be in there, sitting on the toilet, and while sitting there, I'd tuck my genitals down between my legs and sit there, pretending that they weren't there. I did it all the time. I also sat down a lot to pee, which I doubt was something my male friends did. I'd tuck my "stuff" down between my legs, and it made this interesting crease, which to me looked very much like what a girl's genitals must look like if they were sitting in the same position. Sure, I was in middle school and still a virgin, and had no real idea. But still, I found myself doing it pretty much every time I went to the bathroom, except at school, because there were no doors on the stalls.

I'd sit there, relaxing, a moment of peace in a hectic world, and then finally I'd be done, and it was time to return to the real world. Looking back, I think that must have been the manifestation of me wanting that portion of me to not be there, of pretending I had none of that. Nowadays, I find the presence of testicles to be very disturbing when I look in the mirror and see them. It's jarring, for lack of a better word.

I wonder how many adults, who know they are trans, or who haven't figured it out yet, did things like that? Or was it just me?