Smacked on the Butt

Smacked on the Butt

2021

I was walking through the local Lowes. I was in the hardware aisle. It was during work hours, and I had on the company uniform of khaki pants and a slate gray polo. The pants fit well in the butt. Not loose, not crazy tight. 

Anyway, I was cruising down the hardware aisle. There were several men in the aisle, and a few of them were watching me. As I passed a guy who was about 40, he suddenly smacked me on the butt. Not hard. Sort of a "cupping the cheek" smack.

I wasn't sure how to react. I'd never had something like that happen before, and for sure hadn't been expecting it. I froze, and felt myself turning red. 

Finally, I just continued down the aisle until I got to what I was looking for. I made my selection and left the aisle out the other end. 

After I left the store, I texted a friend and told her what had happened. Her response made me smile, but also was disquieting. 

"Welcome to the everyday experience of women everywhere".

The worst thing is, she's right. 

Trimming the Forest

2017

I have a hereditary unibrow. Not a subtle unibrow. Oh no. Left to do its own thing, I’m confident that the family unibrow can be seen from other states. It's probably been photographed from space. I have always hated my gigantic eyebrow(s), but what I hate the most is the weird peak about 2/3 of the way along the brows, which helpfully provides a Vulcan look to my brows. I assume that’s because I didn’t have enough ridicule in school as it was.

I used to spend time lopping off portions of my eyebrows with a small pair of scissors. A few times a week, I went weed-whacking, as I called it to myself. But one day, my awesome wife suggested we go get my eyebrows waxed.

I admit to being nervous. But the woman setting up to do it was pretty nice. She even mentioned that she did this for a lot of guys. That day, I somehow had the guts to tell her I was wanting to go much thinner in the brows than men do. She asked how thin, and I told her to think feminine. She said "can do" and the next thing I knew, I was laying back, the wax on my skin, and off it was pulled. Ouch!

But it was not as bad as I expected. Soon, she was done, and after a bit of tweezing, I was looking in the mirror. Holy cow! I never dreamed my brows could look that good!

My wife, seeing the result, said she really likes how it looked, and that we needed to keep doing it. 

12 (and a half) Things We Didn't Know Before Transitioning

2021

Transitioning wasn't something my wife and I approached lightly. We knew it might not be easy. We knew there would be issues, problems, concerns, and some difficult situations and interactions. We did our research to make sure we were informed and worked hard at knowing what was coming. Honestly, we did pretty well at learning, overall. But because no process is perfect, there were things we didn't anticipate. We thought it might be helpful to discuss these publicly so that others going through the same process could perhaps be better positioned.

1. Be prepared to advocate for yourself. Some agencies' paperwork is designed to make things easy, and at other agencies, you'll get a blank look and a shrug. You have to come armed with knowledge about how it is supposed to be done, what paperwork is needed. who has to do it, and who has to be involved. That's because odds are, the person you are dealing with either doesn't want to do it, or has no idea how to do it, or both. Either way, they might well not be that interested in going the extra mile. Do your homework. 

2. The people you're pretty sure will drop you like a hot potato might shock you by turning out to be among the more accepting people. You never know. Don't just assume someone will not be supportive. Also don't just assume someone will be supportive. 

3. If your therapist transfers to another facility, you might well be screwed into starting some other things over. Make sure you have everything in writing, get copies of everything, and that even if you don't at that time anticipate surgery, you get letters from absolutely everyone. It might be many months before a new therapist is willing to write a surgery letter. 

4. Speaking of letters, if your medical and mental health providers are happy to provide letters, proofread them carefully. Errors in dates, typos, accidental word inclusions can derail a surgery process. Most medical professionals outside of practices that specifically serve transgender people have pretty much never written such a letter. Even if you gave them the text to use in the letter, do yourself a favor, and read the letter. Carefully. Make sure they get it right. Ask them to do it again, correctly, if there is an error. 

5. Make a logical process out of coming out to people. Have a plan. Early on, choose who to come out to wisely. Have an exit plan for getting out of the conversation with each person you talk with. Have a support person in place before you come out to people, someone you can go to when you encounter the time when coming out doesn't go well and you're distraught. It will make all the difference.

6. It isn't just the transgender person's transition. Close family and friends transition too, and so do co-workers, gas station clerks, etc. Thoughts and positions your significant other might have will likely change, and for the better, if they're supportive. Give it some time. They have a lot to deal with too.

7. Who your friends are is going to change. Some will remain, and those friendships will grow stronger. Others will disappear from your life, and that's okay. Expect it to happen, because you are for sure, 100% certain, going to lose some friends. You want the truth? You won't miss them at all. Sure, it'll hurt for a day or two, but once you realize they turned your back on you simply because of who you are, you'll understand that they weren't friends. You'll make some new ones pretty soon, and they'll like you for YOU. My number of actual friends grew. 

8. If you want to be successful in your current job, coming out needs to be a deliberate process. Plan. Get help. Do it carefully and right. There are organizations, such as the Gatlyn Dame Group, that can help. 

9. Insurance doesn't cover the surgery? Are you sure about that? Insurance companies often deny coverage on the first request. Research your policy thoroughly. You might just be surprised. My insurance company denied coverage immediately. But I'd heard that denial is pretty much a standard response, so I did my research, and guess what? The surgery WAS covered, despite them saying it wasn't. Confronted with that information, they relented, and I had surgery. 

10. All hairstyles aren't created equal. Do yourself the favor of not simply going to get a style you think is cute. How many times have you seen someone with a stupid looking hairdo? Figure out, with the help of a hairstylist, what works best for you. There are factors that go into it, and just because you saw a hairstyle on someone else and it looked great, doesn't mean it will work for you. Also, be prepared for your hairstyle(s) to change as your hair gets longer or shorter. 

10.5. Many transgender women have issues with thinning hair. If you're really bald, I don't know what works best for you. But, if your hair is thinning, there are shampoos that are really effective in helping thinning hair thicken up again. Nioxin is one brand. I've had awesome success with it. 

11. Transition your clothing slowly. Don't be garish, and don't rush. Figure out what you like and don't like. Redoing your entire wardrobe is crazily expensive. Listen to me, or you'll waste a lot of money. I know you don't want to, but buy your clothing at thrift stores. Look in the mirror, and also ask other people. You have to figure out what you like on you, what looks good on you, what works on your body. If you rush out and buy what you think is pretty, you'll have a wardrobe full of stuff you look ridiculous in, and you'll keep switching styles at great cost. Once you have a wardrobe that works great, you can start safely adding new clothing articles to what you have. 

12. Anxiety will come. It will show up, and after it leaves, it will show up again. And again. You cannot possibly be ready for it all the time, which means it will at some point hit you when you don't expect it. You need to make sure you have some sort of support system in place that you can access quickly because you WILL need it.

Listen, you can do this. You can. I promise. But be smart, and plan to do it the right way. You'll be glad you did.

The Things You Give Up

Every now and then, something occurs to you and makes you realize something you hadn't thought of. Do you know what I mean?

A bit over a week ago, I read where someone had said that if they were someplace where there were no cis-gender people, the one thing they would do is go swimming. I admit I scoffed at that. Swimming? Really? That's the thing you would do?

The thing is, the thought has been hanging out in the back of my mind. Every now and then it waves at me, to remind me it's there.

I haven't been swimming for a long time. I used to enjoy going swimming. But my wife can confirm that I have refused to go for years. I always had a reason not to go, an excuse of some kind. But the reality is I just couldn't bring myself to go swimming. I just couldn't. I didn't know why.

Until just now. It never clicked until just a few minutes ago. I didn't know it, but deep inside I couldn't bring myself to put on a pair of shorts and walk around shirtless in front of a bunch of people. Well, in front of men, anyway. Why? Because I am transgender. And even back then, deep inside, a part of me knew it. 

All I knew at the time was that whenever my family talked about going swimming, I was super uncomfortable. Looking back, that discomfort makes perfect sense.

Sometimes, you don't realize what all you give up. I never really thought about it. It was just something I didn't do, that so many others did. I used to like going to the beach with my wife, but not with other people. I'd like to try doing it again some time, but right now, there's nothing I could wear that would both fit in with everyone else, and yet be something I'd be comfortable in.

But this is now a goal of mine. I want to go to the beach like a typical person. I'm going to get there. Watch me. Actually, don't watch me. But I'm going to do it. 

The Haircut

2018

I was in the Army Reserve at this point. I had been skirting a line for months. It was February, and I hadn’t cut my hair really short since the previous June. Army haircut standards for men, which I was required to adhere to, had relaxed quite a bit, and as a result, I now had much longer hair than I previously had. I was a reservist, so I drilled monthly. Last month, something had been said to me about my hair, so though I had made sure to stay just within the regulation, they were of course looking for my haircut.  

As a transgender Soldier, I was trying my best to have hair as long and feminine as possible, while staying within the rules for male haircuts, since the Army considered me to be a male. I had been visiting a hair stylist, who was versed in the Army’s haircut requirements, who was shaping my hair more into a pixie hair cut each month, while ensuring that the length at the ears and collar were within regulations.

I hadn’t even reported in yet, and I was already being told that my hair was too long. I promise it wasn’t, and tried to explain how, with the newer haircut standard, I was actually within the regulation. But, they weren’t in a mood to listen. The disagreement escalated quickly, and it was soon obvious that though I could have pushed my position, and since I was within the regulation I’d have won in the end, it would have also created enmity with my chain of command, which is exactly what you do not want.

So, despite working on having a more feminine hair style for months, I agreed to go get my hair cut. Finding a barber on a Saturday morning wasn’t easy, but I located one. The old Black man in the barber shop filled me with confidence when, as I sat in the chair, he commented “I ain’t never cut no white guy’s hair before”.

So he started. He clipped here, clipped there. I really wasn’t anticipating my reaction. There, in the barber’s chair, wearing my Army uniform, with several other older Black men sitting in chairs watching, I saw the hair falling from my head, and felt tears welling up in my eyes. Tears! Are you freaking kidding me?!?!? Tears, in front of everyone?

I spent the rest of the haircut struggling (and winning, can you believe it?) not to cry.

Finally the haircut was over, and I must say, he for sure had no idea how to cut a white person’s hair. My goodness did he butcher my hair. I paid quickly, and as I got in the car, the tears were coming. I went down the street and found a parking lot, and pulled in. Without even knowing why, I sat there in my car, sobbing.

Finally, I was cried out, and I went on to the Reserve Center, stopping once there to wash my face a few times.

Having my hair cut into more of a "male" style really hurt, emotionally. Much more than I had anticipated. 

Wal Mart Insult

2018

I had begun transitioning. I was standing in line at the self-checkouts at my local Wal Mart. I was wearing a long sleeve shirt, jeans, and boots, all women's clothing, but nothing that seemed super obvious. My hair is still relatively short, well within the norm for a male appearing haircut. My eyebrows are trimmed. Thus ends my feminine appearance on that day.

A Little Rudeness

I noticed, walking toward me, a man who appeared to be about 50, and two older teen girls, about 18 years old. They appeared to be average, typical people. I honestly didn't give them any thought. But as they got closer, one of the teen girls began looking me up and down, and then she smirked. I just remained in the line and stepped forward a bit, as the line moved. Just after that girl was past me, she yelled pretty loudly "Holy sh_t, what the f_ck!"

I felt myself turn red, and I admit, I made a comment back that I likely shouldn't have said. The woman standing behind me was really offended by the girl too and also responded to her rudely. Thankfully, the teenage girl moved on.

A Not So Gentle Reminder

I didn't respond in a manner that I'd like to have thought I'd respond. I guess I wasn't expecting it to happen, standing there quietly in line, at Wal Mart, minding my own business. It was a bit of a slap in the face, and a blunt reminder that it could happen anywhere, any time. I know full well how difficult it is to fix stupid.

Maybe I'll have the presence of mind to respond in a more adult manner next time. I hope so, anyway.

My First Hairdresser

2017

My wife and I decided to stop clipping my hair short. As a military person, my hair had been short for my entire adult life. So, this was a new direction for us. But we also knew that as a transgender person, it was important to explore and find out what worked for us, and what didn’t.

Army haircut standards had been relaxed, and I knew I had some leeway. So, I took a copy of the regulation, and went, nervously, in search of a hairdresser. We reasoned that a barber was going to typically be oriented to want to go shorter than we wanted to go. So it seemed logical to seek a hairdresser.

Yet, at the same time, visiting a hairdresser, and explaining what I wanted, meant telling someone that I was transgender. That idea made me very nervous. To this point, less than 5 other people actually knew. When I was in the chair, and the young woman asked me what I wanted, I went full-on technical. “Uhhhhhh……” I said.

Thankfully, my awesome wife was nearby. Stepping over, she quietly explained that I am transgender and that we were hoping to morph my hair, over the next several months, to something that, though still adhering to the new haircut standard, was still much more feminine. I sat there, waiting to hear the peal of laughter. Instead, the hairdresser explained that her fiance’s brother was transgender and that they had faced a lot of adversity, and she would be glad to help! I was blown away. What were the odds?

She examined my hair and mentioned that she thought that with my facial shape, and my hair structure, and the need to remain in regulations, she thought a pixie cut would be a good goal.

She set out to do the hair cut, and soon, I was done, and it looked good! There was a lot of pent-up fear that disappeared when, after she was done, I looked into the mirror. 

Over the next few months, she worked on keeping my hair generally tapered, with increasing length. She eventually took a job out of hair care.

My wife thought that not cutting my hair would drive me nuts. I thought having been used to seeing it very short, she would quickly reach a point of not liking it. Now, months later, we have found we both were wrong.