12 (and a half) Things We Didn't Know Before Transitioning

2021

Transitioning wasn't something my wife and I approached lightly. We knew it might not be easy. We knew there would be issues, problems, concerns, and some difficult situations and interactions. We did our research to make sure we were informed and worked hard at knowing what was coming. Honestly, we did pretty well at learning, overall. But because no process is perfect, there were things we didn't anticipate. We thought it might be helpful to discuss these publicly so that others going through the same process could perhaps be better positioned.

1. Be prepared to advocate for yourself. Some agencies' paperwork is designed to make things easy, and at other agencies, you'll get a blank look and a shrug. You have to come armed with knowledge about how it is supposed to be done, what paperwork is needed. who has to do it, and who has to be involved. That's because odds are, the person you are dealing with either doesn't want to do it, or has no idea how to do it, or both. Either way, they might well not be that interested in going the extra mile. Do your homework. 

2. The people you're pretty sure will drop you like a hot potato might shock you by turning out to be among the more accepting people. You never know. Don't just assume someone will not be supportive. Also don't just assume someone will be supportive. 

3. If your therapist transfers to another facility, you might well be screwed into starting some other things over. Make sure you have everything in writing, get copies of everything, and that even if you don't at that time anticipate surgery, you get letters from absolutely everyone. It might be many months before a new therapist is willing to write a surgery letter. 

4. Speaking of letters, if your medical and mental health providers are happy to provide letters, proofread them carefully. Errors in dates, typos, accidental word inclusions can derail a surgery process. Most medical professionals outside of practices that specifically serve transgender people have pretty much never written such a letter. Even if you gave them the text to use in the letter, do yourself a favor, and read the letter. Carefully. Make sure they get it right. Ask them to do it again, correctly, if there is an error. 

5. Make a logical process out of coming out to people. Have a plan. Early on, choose who to come out to wisely. Have an exit plan for getting out of the conversation with each person you talk with. Have a support person in place before you come out to people, someone you can go to when you encounter the time when coming out doesn't go well and you're distraught. It will make all the difference.

6. It isn't just the transgender person's transition. Close family and friends transition too, and so do co-workers, gas station clerks, etc. Thoughts and positions your significant other might have will likely change, and for the better, if they're supportive. Give it some time. They have a lot to deal with too.

7. Who your friends are is going to change. Some will remain, and those friendships will grow stronger. Others will disappear from your life, and that's okay. Expect it to happen, because you are for sure, 100% certain, going to lose some friends. You want the truth? You won't miss them at all. Sure, it'll hurt for a day or two, but once you realize they turned your back on you simply because of who you are, you'll understand that they weren't friends. You'll make some new ones pretty soon, and they'll like you for YOU. My number of actual friends grew. 

8. If you want to be successful in your current job, coming out needs to be a deliberate process. Plan. Get help. Do it carefully and right. There are organizations, such as the Gatlyn Dame Group, that can help. 

9. Insurance doesn't cover the surgery? Are you sure about that? Insurance companies often deny coverage on the first request. Research your policy thoroughly. You might just be surprised. My insurance company denied coverage immediately. But I'd heard that denial is pretty much a standard response, so I did my research, and guess what? The surgery WAS covered, despite them saying it wasn't. Confronted with that information, they relented, and I had surgery. 

10. All hairstyles aren't created equal. Do yourself the favor of not simply going to get a style you think is cute. How many times have you seen someone with a stupid looking hairdo? Figure out, with the help of a hairstylist, what works best for you. There are factors that go into it, and just because you saw a hairstyle on someone else and it looked great, doesn't mean it will work for you. Also, be prepared for your hairstyle(s) to change as your hair gets longer or shorter. 

10.5. Many transgender women have issues with thinning hair. If you're really bald, I don't know what works best for you. But, if your hair is thinning, there are shampoos that are really effective in helping thinning hair thicken up again. Nioxin is one brand. I've had awesome success with it. 

11. Transition your clothing slowly. Don't be garish, and don't rush. Figure out what you like and don't like. Redoing your entire wardrobe is crazily expensive. Listen to me, or you'll waste a lot of money. I know you don't want to, but buy your clothing at thrift stores. Look in the mirror, and also ask other people. You have to figure out what you like on you, what looks good on you, what works on your body. If you rush out and buy what you think is pretty, you'll have a wardrobe full of stuff you look ridiculous in, and you'll keep switching styles at great cost. Once you have a wardrobe that works great, you can start safely adding new clothing articles to what you have. 

12. Anxiety will come. It will show up, and after it leaves, it will show up again. And again. You cannot possibly be ready for it all the time, which means it will at some point hit you when you don't expect it. You need to make sure you have some sort of support system in place that you can access quickly because you WILL need it.

Listen, you can do this. You can. I promise. But be smart, and plan to do it the right way. You'll be glad you did.