E-mail From a Transgender Person

2017

A Homophobic / Transphobic Church

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

As background, the church I was a part of was a rather conservative church. However, to this point, there had been no real discussion regarding transgender people. I was the chair of the Board of Trustees, which meant that I was the leader of the group that made most financial decisions and administered church assets. The church had become more than a bit stagnant over the last several years. They decided to undertake a leadership retreat to try to get things going again.

As you may, or may not know, many transgender people are uncomfortable in restroom situations, being faced with a choice of using a restroom they feel in their heart is wrong, or getting in trouble for using the restroom their very being tells them to use. Being transgender, I attempted in May of 2017 to convince the church leadership to re-designate a single-use men’s restroom as a family restroom or simply as a restroom, without revealing my reason for wanting this. This attempt was bluntly rejected, with members of the Board of Trustees saying that if they did that, then this would encourage “those people who crossdress" (meaning transgender people) to want to use the restroom, and perhaps wish to attend the church, and that couldn’t be permitted. There was a short discussion about how disgusting these people were, with me sitting there in shocked silence. The cost of a new restroom sign was $35, and they decided it wasn't worth the money, despite them having a budget of hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was bluntly told that there was no reason to change the restroom and that the matter was tabled by a majority vote. 

Conversation during the meeting included comments that transgender people are only out to force churches to accede to their demands, that they all have the same agenda, that transgender people weren't real, that transgender people were abominations, that transgender people were deviants, and that transgender people were mentally ill. Mind you, they had no idea that sitting among them was a transgender person.

A Retreat That Wasn't

Later that same month, the church leadership, including me, attended that weekend retreat I mentioned earlier. Toward the end of the retreat, the person guiding the retreat, a Senior Pastor at another church in our denomination, made the observation that we had to solve our issues because there were bigger issues out there waiting. As an illustration of this, he shared that their church was having to deal with a transgender person attending.

Do you hear the sentiment in that statement? There were gasps, and heads shaking. One woman said "Oh no!" The facilitator told the story of how difficult it had been for their church, because of this person. They had even had to re-designate a single-use bathroom! I overheard someone in the room, a man, say that it was disgusting.

Mind you, this person the facilitator referred to had attended that church their entire life. The entire church knew this person and had known them their entire life, this person now being a young adult. Based on what this Pastor said, this transgender person apparently didn’t want any massive changes on the church's part since they had come out, but the church leadership there saw this as a series of problems they had to solve, to protect themselves. He talked about how much turmoil they had experienced and lamented the many hours spent in discussion of how to protect themselves. Our church leadership was rather concerned by all this.

An E-mail From a Transgender Person

Fast forward just a few weeks. Someone contacted our Senior Pastor using the “Contact the Pastor” link on the church web page. They stated that they were a transgender person, with a wife and kids. They had not come out, so no one knew, other than their wife and kids. They were searching for a church that would at least allow them to attend, and participate in events. He asked what our church’s teaching regarding transgender persons was. The Senior Pastor sent out the text of this person’s e-mail, including their name and e-mail address, to members of church leadership, roughly 11 people including me, and invited comments. 

The reactions bordered on hysteria. E-mails flew back and forth. There were expressions of dismay, followed quickly by a discussion regarding how to legally protect the church in this situation and overall an expression of the intention of not allowing this person to participate in any way. The prevailing opinion was that this person was clearly setting the church up to be sued. The Senior Pastor also contacted lawyers as well as the state office for our denomination, and also our liability insurance carrier, seeking how to best protect the church.

One woman, who was the chair of our Missions Committee, and I took the opposite path and attempted to convince the others that this was not the end of the world but rather an opportunity and that as Christians, we should welcome this person and their family. Everyone else in leadership took the exclusionary path. In the end, no reply at all was sent to the person. A few weeks later, the person sent another message. This too was not replied to. They never heard a peep from the church. Not one word. Ever. What if this was the last church they ever contacted? What if they were desperate, had faced rejection over and over, and this was the last time they tried?

It's probably just as well that they didn't hear from the church, though. The Senior Pastor had, after all, outed this person by name to all of the church leadership. There was no consideration that someone there might know this person, work with them, whatever. There was no consideration that outing them might end up costing this person their job or even their relationships. Had that family attended, at the minimum there would have been whispering and pointing.

Ch Ch Ch Changes...

Changes were coming, though. The insurance carrier, having been asked what to do in response to the e-mail,  recommended that since the church had actually been contacted, that the church should play it safe, since the church felt they were being set up, to go ahead and re-designate a restroom, in order to avoid a lawsuit. Mind you, the person had said absolutely nothing at all about restrooms. The lawyers agreed that this seemed wise. The church Board of Trustees, taking up discussion on that point, determined that the safest move was to re-designate a single-use restroom, and thus voted to re-designate the very same restroom I had requested that they re-designate just one month earlier. Do you see the message there? They weren't willing to do it to help someone, but they quickly did it to protect their own butts.

The most outspoken anti-trans board member said he would handle the sign change. This was the same man who had said just one month before that it wasn't worth $35 to make "those people" feel welcome. It took him several more months to get the sign changed, but the bathroom was eventually re-designated as a "family restroom". 

But, there was much more afoot than I knew... To be continued here: Church Bylaws

My First Sexual Assault

1981

This might be the hardest post to write I've done, thus far. I have a lot of emotions churning in me, writing this.

I was a freshman in high school. It was the fall, and I was in the boy's locker room. I was small for my age. I don't recall if it was because of soccer practice, or what, but I had been taking a shower. I was still in the shower area, having just wrapped up my shower, and was heading to where my towel was.

A Guy Came In

A guy came into the shower area, and as I reached for my towel, he put his hand on the back of my neck and pushed me roughly against the wall. I remember the left side of my face being pressed against the tile and the cold feel of the tile on the skin of my chest and stomach. He was a very big guy. I felt one of his legs push between mine, and he spread my legs apart. He rammed his lower body against me, pressing me against the wall, and then I felt him against me.  He was hard, and he pressed it against my butt and back, with both hands pushing my shoulders and head against the wall. He told me to hold still or else.

He was moving against me, and I remember him grunting into my ear. He was very strong, and I felt him holding me against the wall. I tried to push away from the wall, away from him. I couldn't move. I tried hard. The harder I tried, the harder he held me against the wall. I remember saying "please don't" over and over. "Shut the %^&# up and hold still!" he growled, and he smacked the side of my head and moved harder against me. He just kept moving, and moving, and moving.

I remember feeling helpless. I was crying by this point, and I heard his breathing increase. Suddenly, he pressed hard against me and groaned, and then I felt him finish on the small of my back. I remember the heat of it as he splashed wetly on me.

Then He Was Done

He pushed me roughly to my right, very hard, away from the entrance to the shower, and when I got my balance and turned around, he was already gone.

I was numb, crying, and felt sick to my stomach. I felt used and filthy, and all I wanted was to be clean. I quickly turned on the shower and washed as well as I could. Then I washed again, and again. I just wanted the feel of him off of me, to be clean, to be okay.

I have no idea who this guy was. He was large and strong, and white, with dark hair. I never saw his face. He would have had to be an upperclassman, because of his size, and the beard stubble I felt. I never knew who he was. For months, every time a large guy with dark hair passed me in the hallway, I shrank from him and tried to get away.

As often happens in traumatic situations, my brain eventually put the memory of this event away. That lasted for a lot of years. I existed in a state of not remembering what happened while going through the effects of it anyway.

This memory resurfaced, hitting me suddenly, a few weeks ago, at work. I have no idea what brought it to my mind. I was talking with some customers and walked back to my work truck, and suddenly I was there in the shower, feeling the cold shower wall, feeling his hands on me, feeling him against me. I must have looked like a crazy person, sobbing in my work truck.

I'm so thankful I have a good support system now because when this hit me, I was a wreck.

I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH IF YOU ARE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, GET HELP! Talk to someone, as often as you need to.

Susan On Stage (and my girly moment) 1985

Susan on Stage

In the fall of 1985, early in my senior year in high school, we were busily engaged in practice for our fall musical, for which I was the stage manager. Part of the musical required one of the female leads (a young woman I'll call Susan) to change outfits part way through.

Susan was one of the rich girls in school. Filthy rich. Her parents had bought her a sports car for her birthday. She was pretty, 15-year-old blonde, built, and a very talented singer and it was no shock to anyone that she had a lead part.

As the stage manager, I was aware of the various things that could derail a performance. Each play or musical has its own pitfalls. One of the potential issues of this show was that Susan had to hustle to get this wardrobe change done, or she would be late getting back out on stage. Routinely, this wardrobe change was not going well. She was moving pretty fast, but there’s no way she could get downstairs, where the drama room and changing booths were located, get changed, and get back up to the stage.

We tried a couple of different things, and finally, we just decided, with Susan’s full support, to locate the clothing she was supposed to change into at the back of the stage, behind the back curtain. This worked pretty well, actually. Finally, things were clicking, and just in time. The opening night was upon us.

There's a Naked Girl on Stage!

The first night of the performance, Susan exited the stage, and rushed to the back, behind the curtain. She got changed, and got back to her mark, just in the nick of time. But hey, it worked.

The second night, as time came for Susan to change, I was at the right rear corner of the stage, watching the props being readied, and also to make sure Susan didn’t have any issues. She exited the main stage and turned right past me, actually brushing me. Moving away from me, she lifted the hem of her dress up a bit as she walked so she wouldn’t trip. The clothing she was to change into were a tight pair of denim capris, a pair of red mary janes, and a white top with a low neckline.

As Susan approached her changing area, she yanked her dress over her head and tossed it aside, proceeding the last 10 feet or so wearing only a red thong, and a pair of black heels. Standing profile to me, she kicked off the heels, picked up the capri pants, and began slipping them on. Quickly, the pants were in place, the belt buckled. Still topless, she bent to grab her shirt, her breasts bouncing and swinging, and then she straightened back up. Turning topless toward me, she lifted her arms, and shrugged the top over her head, and adjusted it into place. The red Mary Janes were slipped on, a quick pass of the brush through her hair, and she was heading for her mark. Walking past me, she locked gazes with me and gave me a gigantic smile. She was at her mark with almost 20 seconds to spare.

My"Girly" Moment

I had been given what was likely the best view any student had been given at that school, outside of other girls seeing her in the locker room. The funny thing is that I wasn’t really turned on. Sure, she was very attractive, and I'd seen her in nothing but a thong. Rather, I was thinking, while watching her, that she had an amazing body, and that I was jealous of her chest, butt, and legs. The way that girl fit a thong was unfair, to say the least!

When that last thought crossed my mind, I was instantly horrified. I can’t explain the feeling that sweeps over a person who is MTF (male to female) transgender but doesn’t yet understand that when they have that sort of thought. You know, “Wow, I’d love to have legs like that” or the like. When your brain plays that thought back, it's distressing, in a "What's wrong with me???" sort of way.

So that was the day in high school when Susan caused me to have a girl moment. 

You're Trans? Just Ignore It

1985

Ah...High School

I was a high school junior, and I had a girlfriend, despite which I felt as if things were weird. I had a lot of instances of feeling like I was out of place, etc. The thing I was experiencing where I strongly disliked going into bathrooms was really starting to get to me, as were some other things that had happened over the years.

At times, I felt uncomfortable. At times, I felt fine. At times, I was so scared I was shaking. At times, I felt like something was wrong. At times, I felt distressed.

I started to think maybe it would be a good idea to talk with someone. But who in the world should I talk to? My Boy Scout leader? No way. He was creepy. My parents? Not in a million years. My Pastor? Yeah. Everyone wants to tell their pastor, as a teen, that they feel like something is wrong in their mind. It’s all physical, right? These are physical things I’m feeling. So I decided to talk to our family doctor. He was a D.O., and they’re trained in lots of extra things, compared to an M.D. He was a very good doctor, and thus had my respect. He’d know what was up.

You're Trans? Just Ignore It

So the next time I visited the doctor when he asked how I was doing, I told him the truth. I didn't tell him I was transgender. I'd never even heard the term, and I honestly didn't know what was wrong with me, but something clearly was. How am I, doc? Not good. I was not good. He sat down and listened quietly as I talked, and when I was done, he stood, put his hand on my shoulder, and told me that I was fine. Don’t worry about it, there’s nothing wrong, forget it. There’s nothing I need to be concerned about.

“But what about how I feel when…”

He cut me off. “Ignore it”, he said. Just ignore it. Bonus: He wasn't going to tell my parents. 

So I ignored it.

News: Ohio Bill Would Require Teachers, Health Care providers to Out Transgender Students

You can't make this stuff up

This poorly thought out bill is a knee-jerk reaction by some conservative Christians to a court decision in southwest Ohio. It would require teachers, guidance counselors, mental health counselors, and even clergy employed by public school systems or even private businesses or organizations who provide child care, to immediately inform parents in writing if they know, or suspect, that a child/teen might be trans. The bill intentionally doesn't take into account custody situations, in which if, say, an abusive parent has lost custody of their child, they still get informed, and both parents still must assent to any sort of trans-related counseling, medical care, and even must give consent before the child is given any information at all about transgender issues, concerns, care, or programs, regardless if they are custodial or not.

Really? Outing transgender kids?

I fervently hope that the Ohio General Assembly has enough intelligence and integrity to NOT pass this bill.

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/ohio-bill-would-require-teachers-health-providers-out-transgender-students-n888751


Please contact your Ohio legislators through the website below, to speak against this bill.

https://www.legislature.ohio.gov/?1


There's a "find my legislators" search link on the right side.

Dead Forever

1982 

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

Church Youth Group 

There came a time, in the summer, where the church I attended held a cookout for the youth. This church, which I attended throughout my childhood, because that was where my mom went, and because I didn’t know anything else, was very conservative. They would have said they were not super conservative, but looking back, I would have to disagree.

At this cookout, a young man came to speak. I estimated he was about 24. He was a college student at a Christian university, going for a graduate degree in the seminary there. Part of the time he spent talking with us was in giving a talk about gay people. This young man, whose name I do not recall, was very firm in his convictions. What he taught us as impressionable teens was that gay people were simply people who were controlled by the devil, and their only purpose in life was to lead other people astray. They wanted nothing more than to make us forget that God hates gay people.

Be Careful

So, we had to be careful. Very, very careful. He told us that the Bible says that men who touch men sexually, or women who touch women sexually, would burn forever in horrible torture, unlike anything we could imagine.

Are you kidding me? I have a great imagination, and I could imagine some rather horrible torture at that moment! Boys like girls and girls like boys, and that’s okay, but we must always be vigilant, or the devil would get us, because he was right behind us, just waiting to pounce, and trick us into liking each other's bodies, and we would be dead forever. Dead forever. Forever. Dead.

Without hope. Dead.

I was almost 14 years old, it was late at night, around a campfire. This person was in seminary, and was billed to us as a person wise in scripture. I was a young person who was always wondering why I felt so different. Can you conceive how that talk hit me?

It's Anticlimactic - Advice From Our Kids

One of our kids mentioned the other day that one thing that surprised them in all this was how anticlimactic it all has been. When I came out to our kids, they had very emotional reactions. Our younger daughter said later that she had thought, based on things she read online, that our world was going to dramatically change as a result of me coming out. She was surprised that this didn't happen.

You're the Same Person

"You're the same person you've always been. I thought there'd be a huge change, and it all has been pretty anticlimactic", she said. Our kids were expecting massive change, and that just didn't happen. I have the same sense of humor, like the same foods, sit in the same spot in the living room, work the same job, etc. I'm still me. This has been no massive deal at all.

If your loved one recently came out to you, relax. Not nearly as much will be changing as you think will be. For the most part, they'll be the same person they were before. Explore this with them, participate in their changes with them, and you'll be surprised at how normal this all is.

The Reality of Our Trans Marriage

OMG! I'm Trans!

I'm a Transgender woman. That rolls much more easily off the tongue than it used to, for me. I'm a girl, who spent 48 years living as a guy. I have spent my life becoming who I am, and I'll lay some of that history out for you. Some things have changed, some things didn't. Some things changed a lot! How did all this affect my relationships? How did it affect my job? How did it affect my self-esteem and self-image? How did it affect my social interactions?

I wasn't always happy. I used to think that God must hate me. I used to think there was something really, really wrong with me. But no longer.

Stay tuned. I dare you.

Sometimes, life sucks. Sometimes, it's amazing. I've laughed, I've cried. I've sobbed in anguish, and I've learned to be comfortable with who I am.

Why "High Heels and Ankle Boots"? Please, what girl doesn't like shoes?!?

I Have a Wife!

She's the redheaded, cis-gender, sarcastic wife. I'm the brunette, transgender, sarcastic wife.

I'm married to one of the most awesome and talented women who has ever walked the Earth. She has been wildly supportive and loving, even when she was upset, and if you're a spouse who just found out that your husband or wife is trans, this woman can really help you become more grounded in this reality. Please, read what she has to say! By the way, she's really cute. I'm blessed to be her wife.

Our relationship rocks! "But wait!: you say. "You're trans, and marriages involving trans people fail!" They don't have to fail, and transgender relationships can be breathtaking if you want them to be. 

We have kids!

We have two daughters who are amazing, talented, loving, smart young women.  They have been wonderful through this, and we hope their honesty and openness will help others who are in their position. 

We have a sweetheart of a golden retriever, and frankly, she has been absolutely fine through all this. A lot of people could learn from her. She's not our kid, but she for sure is our baby!

We are Christians!

No, I'm not kidding. We really are Christians. Our faith is a big part of who we are as people. We're not the sort to decide that your gender, gender identity, or sexuality somehow makes you a bad person. It doesn't.

I've been faced with bigoted comments from my own church and was told it was best if I went somewhere else.

What you'll find here:

- My personal experiences and history
- Advice and information from my Wife
- Advice and information from our kids
- Relevant news