What You Didn't Know About Sex That You Didn't Know You Didn't Know

 

Usually, by the time you're in your 40s and 50s, you know a lot about sex. I was pretty educated about sex. Knew my body pretty well, and knew what to do in the bedroom. Mind you, this isn't really a topic people talk with each other about. But by the time you're in that age group, generally, you know what you're doing. 

But then there are transgender women who have transitioned. What a muddled mess! Freaking nothing feels the same. Nothing works the same. Things that used to be awesome are useless, and things you never thought of before are the things you need to do. But good luck figuring out what these things are because no one else knows either!

Add to that, every woman is different, and what works for one woman doesn't work for another. Then, there is the reality of being transgender. Some of us have different parts than others of us do. Not only might doing a certain thing not work, but it literally might not even be possible!

As if that weren't enough, there are questions about your sexuality, when you're a transgender woman. Do you like women? Do you like men? Are you gay? Lesbian? Bisexual? Asexual? Pansexual? Does it matter? If it doesn't matter, what does that mean? Emotionally, does being nude in front of a man as a transgender woman scare the heck out of you, or excite you? What about in front of a woman?

One of the biggest challenges? What works today might well not work tomorrow, because now you have a woman's body with a woman's hormones, and gosh does that body do things the same way as cis-gender women or what?!? So today, you might want a gentle touch on your nipples because it totally drives you wild. Tomorrow? Well, tomorrow you might need it to feel like someone pinched the heck out of them, or you might not want them touched at all. Who knows?

There are no manuals for this stuff. None. It's all trial and error. You feel awkward like you have never felt before. The difference between you and most folks is they get to explore over a series of years, whereas you're kind of expected to know it all asap, while unlearning all you knew before. It's being nervous. I have no idea why a person would feel nervous exploring alone in a room, but trust me, it is very possible. 

If someone else is there, what are they seeing? Do you look good or ridiculous or awesome? What are they thinking? It's a learning experience for your partner(s) too. They can be just as nervous and awkward about it as you are because this is new to them too. 

It's all kind of awful. Just being honest.

Yet, it is also one of the best experiences of your life. I have had the blessing of my wife and two women friends who encouraged me to try to just relax and take my time to figure things out. That's wise advice. Why?

Skin feels different. Touch feels different. Used to have a hairy chest? Might not now! Responses and reactions, goodness are they different! The most challenging part, and I guess it seems silly that it would be challenging, is that after transitioning the topography (in other words, the contour of your body) is a lot different. That can be startling in the middle of a private moment!

You can't stop because it's awkward. It's too important to quit on. This isn't riding a bicycle. Rather, it's trying to fly an airplane by channeling your bicycle riding experience. You have to keep learning, because if you don't, the nervousness, awkwardness, and embarrassment will overpower you, and when you fall off the bike you might never get back on. 

Harder still than overcoming everything and exploring yourself is figuring out how to explain to someone what you desire to feel and experience. Believe it or not, your vocabulary has to change too, or the way you ask for a certain touch might get you something you didn't anticipate. You have to make sure you don't ruffle feathers if your partner is a man, or hurt feelings if your partner is a woman. It's easy to do. A little understanding goes a long way. 

Don't give up. But don't just jump right back into the pool, either. Learn about yourself first. Why? Because you don't know what you don't know, yet. But learning it can be fun!