Green Is the Color of "Huh?"

 2018

As a member of the Army Reserve, I was attending drill. My unit was stationed at the Defense Supply Center Columbus (DSCC) in the Columbus, Ohio area. This is a large supply complex, on which in addition to the warehouses, etc., numerous Reserve and National Guard units were located. 

The drill started out like they often did, with one of the least challenging Physical Training (exercise) sessions at the DSCC gymnasium. I was at worst only mildly sweaty, but I really, really hate being smelly and dirty. The gym shower area, not at all my favorite place, was undergoing renovation. Only about half the showers were available, and my platoon was ordered to return to the building we drilled in to shower there. This surprised me, as we usually were forbidden to go there, but rather, it was saved for the E-8s and E-9s

As a transgender woman, I do not at all like having to undress in front of men. But, in the military, I was still not out, because at that time, being transgender was against regulations. with 28 years of service, I didn't want to lose it all.

At our building, there was a crappy little shower area, with 2 shower heads, 4 hooks on a wall, and a decently long bench. The shower heads were in a separate room, behind the bench room, and each shower head had a really long curtain. I soon found myself at the shower area and was shocked to see I was the only one present. Heck yeah!

I undressed quickly. Believe me, you undress quickly when you're in a men's shower room with shaved legs, armpits, and pubic area, and painted toenails. In this case, a medium-dark green. Frankly, they looked pretty good! But I quickly pulled on shower shoes and went into the other room to shower. 

As I started to shower, I heard someone come in, and the guy spoke to me, addressing me by name. He was a Staff Sergeant in my platoon, and apparently, he saw me go in. So he was talking about the upcoming activities, just general talk. But, while we were at the gym, he had been talking about this Soldier, a Corporal, that was in the unit several years ago. It seems that, according to him, this person was really weird. But, we had left the gym. 

Sensing a captive audience, he continued his story. The Corporal, it seems, was soft spoken, seemed very odd in general, didn't like sports, always smelled like baby powder, and all sort of things. As he spoke, I heard him come on into the shower area and go into the other spot. The water came on over there. 

Yet, the story continued. The Corporal in question always seemed to act differently around some male Soldiers. I was told that he was seen getting his hair cut in a beauty salon. Apparently, at one time, he was seen taking a shower, and he had his toenails painted blue. I was told how shocking this was, and how stupid it was that a guy would paint their toes. All this while I stood there with green toenails. Hey, at least green is an Army color!

I finished up quickly, and went to dry off. I moved as quickly as possible, and was soon wearing panties, a uniform t-shirt, and pulled on the uniform pants. I sat on the bench, and quickly dried my right foot, and reached for my sock. 

As I picked up the sock, the Staff Sergeant came out of the shower room and sat next to me. Looking over at me, and no doubt wondering for a moment why my face looked so goofy, he said "Can you believe any guy would paint his toenails? What a pussy! I mean, can you -". As he said it, he noticed the green on my foot as I reached to pull on my sock. He croaked out a startled "huh?" and then his voice stopped. 

Now, this guy wasn't someone who was violent. Thankfully. He was our supply sergeant. Goodness, was he shocked. He was quiet for a moment, then stammered for a moment, a silly sounding "uh uh uh uh". By this time, I had both socks on, and was pulling on my boots. I'm a  combat veteran, Putting boots on only takes a few seconds.

I was out of there while he was still shocked. The shower area opened onto the building's drill floor, which is just a large room that served as an area for meals, as well as a place to clean weapons, practice marching, all sorts of stuff. All I had to do was pull my top on over my t-shirt, and I looked just like everyone else.

I was concerned about what he would do. I'm sure he gossipped about it to others, but no one ever said a word to me about it. 

Baptism

Baptism

1983

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

Growing up, I attended a conservative Christian church in Ohio. As a teen, life was complicated enough, but for me, being the teen I was, things were often even more complicated, but I had no idea why at the time. They just were.

There came a time in my life where I wanted to be baptized. It was, for lack of a better term, treated like a rite of passage for people in my church group. If you believed in Jesus, then you were baptized, to publicly demonstrate this belief. So I asked to be baptized. That’s what people did.

Churches tend to group baptisms together, for various reasons. Accordingly, one Sunday, at the end of the church service, there were several people grouped into the men’s restroom near the sanctuary (church word for an auditorium), changing out of church clothes into the clothing they intended to wear for baptism.

The church group I was part of practiced what’s called immersion baptism, which simply means you’re going to get dunked underwater, fully clothed. So, you want to wear clothing that you can change back out of quickly, and that won’t leave you feeling embarrassed when people see you dripping wet. In other words, no white clothing.

In this restroom were my youth pastor, a very nice person named Jon, several other adult men, my brother, and me. All changing clothes. I was self-conscious about myself, and for sure didn’t want to get undressed in a room with a bunch of guys, and I also didn’t want to be in a room with a bunch of naked guys. But, it had to be done. I remember at one point, I was bent over taking off my socks, and as I started to rise back up, I discovered a man right in front of me, also bent over, facing away from me, his penis and balls hanging between his legs, right in front of my face. I was shocked and very embarrassed.

I didn't know what to do. I froze.  

One at a time, we all went through a door and took our turn being baptized.

I was baptized. I don’t remember a thing about it, at all. I only remember that man’s genitals being thrust right in front of my face. It was such a very awkward situation. 

Private Lewis

1988

The following happened while I was in the period of knowing something was wrong; something was different, but I didn't understand yet what it was.

While in the Army, I was stationed at Ft. Campbell, Kentucky. I lived in a military barracks, surrounded by men. It wasn’t an environment I was comfortable in, to be honest. There was a lot of “testosterone” going on, and that just wasn’t my thing. I just didn't know why yet. 

Barracks in the 1980s weren’t designed with privacy in mind. You shared a room with 2 or 3 guys and were never alone. The bathrooms didn’t have stall doors. The showers were crude and dirty, no matter how hard we tried to clean them, and lacked any sort of curtain. The shower rooms there had 4 shower heads, all in a row along the same wall.

One Saturday evening I was taking a shower. I had gotten wet, and soaped up, and was at that point in the shower where you’ve gotten the water as hot as you can stand it, and are just standing there, letting the water cascade down your body. It felt so darned good! I had been in the field, was grimy, and desperately wanted to be clean. 

I opened my eyes and realized someone had entered the shower. It was a new Soldier in the unit, named Private Lewis. I had just met him the previous day. He stood there under the water, his eyes closed. Lewis was tall, black, unusually well built, good looking, and I suddenly realized I was seeing parts of him I hadn’t seen before. As discreetly as possible, I watched him shower, his skin gleaming wetly as the water cascaded down over him.

Most times I was around nude men, I was extremely embarrassed, uncomfortable, and self-conscious. This time, for some reason, I was nervous, but not super uncomfortable. That lasted until I saw the muscles in his thighs and butt moving as he bathed, and I realized suddenly that I was responding physically!

I was suddenly desperate to get out of there. I needed so strongly to hide, to not be seen reacting to his body, to not be seeing him because I was terrified that I might react further. I was mortified and so very confused. Why in the world had I responded like that? Did I find him attractive? Oh my God! Was I gay?!?!?!? What was wrong with me?!?

I spent a very upset, confused night in my barracks room. Looking back, knowing what I know now, it makes perfect sense. But at the time, it was frightening.