Private Lewis

1988

The following happened while I was in the period of knowing something was wrong; something was different, but I didn't understand yet what it was.

While in the Army, I was stationed at Ft. Campbell, Kentucky. I lived in a military barracks, surrounded by men. It wasn’t an environment I was comfortable in, to be honest. There was a lot of “testosterone” going on, and that just wasn’t my thing. I just didn't know why yet. 

Barracks in the 1980s weren’t designed with privacy in mind. You shared a room with 2 or 3 guys and were never alone. The bathrooms didn’t have stall doors. The showers were crude and dirty, no matter how hard we tried to clean them, and lacked any sort of curtain. The shower rooms there had 4 shower heads, all in a row along the same wall.

One Saturday evening I was taking a shower. I had gotten wet, and soaped up, and was at that point in the shower where you’ve gotten the water as hot as you can stand it, and are just standing there, letting the water cascade down your body. It felt so darned good! I had been in the field, was grimy, and desperately wanted to be clean. 

I opened my eyes and realized someone had entered the shower. It was a new Soldier in the unit, named Private Lewis. I had just met him the previous day. He stood there under the water, his eyes closed. Lewis was tall, black, unusually well built, good looking, and I suddenly realized I was seeing parts of him I hadn’t seen before. As discreetly as possible, I watched him shower, his skin gleaming wetly as the water cascaded down over him.

Most times I was around nude men, I was extremely embarrassed, uncomfortable, and self-conscious. This time, for some reason, I was nervous, but not super uncomfortable. That lasted until I saw the muscles in his thighs and butt moving as he bathed, and I realized suddenly that I was responding physically!

I was suddenly desperate to get out of there. I needed so strongly to hide, to not be seen reacting to his body, to not be seeing him because I was terrified that I might react further. I was mortified and so very confused. Why in the world had I responded like that? Did I find him attractive? Oh my God! Was I gay?!?!?!? What was wrong with me?!?

I spent a very upset, confused night in my barracks room. Looking back, knowing what I know now, it makes perfect sense. But at the time, it was frightening.