What's in a Name?

2019

I'm the redhead, cis-gender wife.

On this journey of my spouse transitioning one thing I have noticed is that not only are pronouns important but her new name is important as well. I struggle with both at times mainly because utilizing the male pronouns and calling them by the name her parents gave her is something that I have been doing for over three decades. One can not stop using a name overnight that one has been using most of their life. But it is something that I am doing better with and will continue to.

One thing that helps is that my wife is understanding and supportive. She knows I try very hard. 

The name being important hit me recently. My wife’s mother was having an important medical treatment, and I was driving her to and from it. As I was sitting there and talking with her she would use my wife’s former, "male" name. I found myself falling into using it as well because I was hearing it over and over. She has made sure to use that name all the time since she was told my wife is transgender. But it didn’t feel right to me. It felt awkward and wrong. So I decided to change the tone of the conversation. As the conversation continued, I found I used my wife’s real "female" name intentionally and even used her name instead of a "faceless" pronoun.

It sounds silly that a name can be a big thing but it is. A name identifies the person for who they are. It is something that helps make that person who and what they are. I know when folks mispronounce or misspell my name it irritates me. So just imagine when a transgender person is being called by a name that they don't identify with at all. It can be heart-wrenching. It can also bring on a sudden battle with dysphoria. 

I find myself stopping and really thinking about what I call my wife. I love her dearly and want her to know she is pretty awesome. I am very intentional now on making sure I use her name. Our immediate family were all involved with choosing this name. Her name fits her perfectly. The least I can do is respect her and who she is by using her name. I know that when her parents use her previous name it grates on me and I really want to say something about it. I don’t because honestly, it would be a waste of breath. They don't accept her.

Did you know that a transgender person's former name (assuming they have changed names) is often referred to as a dead name? They have become who they really are, and no longer have to maintain the facade. 

I have also learned though that I need to be intentional in not only using my wife’s name but also the correct pronouns. True it takes time to get used to it but when one is intentional then it won’t be long before using the name and pronouns is second nature.

Not long ago my wife and I were in a store and we had gone to the atm to get some cash. The person before us hadn’t gotten all of his cash. My wife took the cash and went looking for the guy. I had seen the dude walk into the store and I yelled my wife’s old name across the store, to get her attention, so I could point out where the guy had gone. Didn’t even think about it. It just came out. She turned and looked at me with a hurt look on her face. 

Afterwards, I felt so bad. I still cringe when I remember this because her name is important and I need to continue to be intentional about using it. I also know in time that her name will come as easily as her old name did. 

What's in a name? Everything. Here's the thing. Use their real, correct name. Try. Every day. You love them. So do it. Try to do better, every day. I don't mean pressure yourself. I mean make it important to you, because it sure is important to them!