Dancing, Yet Not Dancing

2002

I'm the brunette, transgender woman.

I worked at a local university, and one thing I had as a perk was free tuition and half tuition for family members. The university offered dance classes as physical education credits. Bachelor’s degrees required all sorts of electives, including the option for physical education credits. I was going for my Bachelor's degree and needed something to fill that credit requirement. It sounded fun, so my wife and I enrolled in a swing dance class. I believe it was 10 meetings, over ten weeks. Regardless, it was a fun way for my wife and me to spend time together.

Now, we had tried dancing before, and it always was very exciting to feel her move against me, but at the same time, I dreaded it, because I wasn’t remotely good at it. I don't mean I was a terrible dancer, but rather, I was awful at leading. Also, though her moving with me excited me,  the dancing frankly felt odd, and I felt out of place. So I was looking forward to these classes with an expectation of excitement, and yet, discomfort. But then, as now, I love to spend time with this woman. I can’t get enough of her.

So, there we were, in swing dance class. We learned several dances, with the basic steps of each practiced repeatedly. It was both fun and uncomfortable. The instructors were a husband and wife pair, significantly older. I was supposed to lead, of course, because I was the husband. But I would take my wife into my arms, and not even think about leading. I didn’t want to lead. I didn’t have any instinct to lead in dancing. I didn’t have any desire to lead. I just wanted to hold her and dance with her. Smell her scent. Marvel at her skin. Frankly, I was totally ineffective at leading on the dance floor.

The instructors split us up so he could demonstrate to me what leading looked like, by dancing with her. It was of course much more smooth. But I still didn’t understand leading. Watching someone else dance was useless because I couldn’t pick up the things he was doing, to lead her. "See how I tell her without speaking where I want her to go?" he'd say. No. I didn't.

So, his wife danced with me, to show me. That was also useless because she didn’t lead at all. She just assumed that I, being the guy, would lead. I was very uncomfortable. I wasn’t at all attracted to her and felt stilted and awkward and frankly wanted very badly to let go and step back. Which I did the moment I could reasonably do so.

I didn’t feel comfortable leading. My awesome wife didn’t feel comfortable leading. Overall, we did pretty well, and I enjoyed being with her and doing it together. But it was also an exercise in frustration, for me, because I felt I was failing, as a man. I was told, over and over, right there in front of dozens of other students that I was doing it wrong. That the man leads. I was supposed to lead. Do what men do. I was supposed to make my wife understand what I wanted her to do, dancing. I had no aptitude to do so, and thus, as the instructor told me, not holding up my end of the bargain.

Despite that, I would go dancing with my awesome wife again, because I love to hold her. What can I say? She is awesome.