National Coming Out Day 2025

 The Sunday before this last National Coming Out Day, I was blessed to speak for a few minutes at both services of the church I worship at. I gladly take every opportunity presented to tell more of my story, because I hope that hearing my story will further understanding, and help lift up other transgender people. This is the text of what I said:

National Coming Out Day

Have you ever kept a diary? Something you wrote your innermost thoughts into? Or have you ever had a huge secret about yourself that no one else knew? Can you imagine if someone read your diary, or learned your massive secret? That fear you would have in that moment? That’s what coming out is like, pretty much every time you do it. 

National Coming Out Day is October 11th. It is the anniversary of the 1987 March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. It celebrates the courage of coming out. The idea behind the day was that coming out is an act of activism that raises awareness. Each year, thousands of LGBTQIA+ Americans, as well as people around the world, come out, often for the first time. It’s a frightening day. It’s a day of courage. Especially in a world where many churches specifically demonize the day. 

People come out for all sorts of reasons. Maybe they’re excited at realizing a truth about themselves, and they can’t wait to say something. Maybe they do it without intending to. Maybe they have a plan for coming out to people, and they’ve gotten to the point that they are telling you. Maybe you’re the first person they told. Maybe you’re the hundredth. Maybe they’ve gotten to the point in their journey where they just plain have to come out because they can’t stand hiding who they are anymore.

The first person I came out to, other than my wife of course, was a really good friend. I was shocked to find out she already figured it out, and was just waiting for me to say something. Then it was time to come out to our kids. That was actually way beyond scary. I was terrified they might shut me out of their life. I didn’t think they would, I was pretty sure they wouldn’t, but the reality is, it is always a possibility, every time you come out to someone. I don’t know if I could have handled a bad outcome to that.

There are lots of ways to come out. Face to face, with a letter or e-mail, a cake, a phone call, all sorts of ways. I’ve come out in different ways to different people. With our kids, I wrote them a letter and asked them to read it in private, and respond as they felt ready to respond. Then I anguished waiting for a response, which thankfully was positive and came quickly. At work, I read a letter to them in person. With my parents I sat down along with my wife and our kids to talk with them, and as I expected, it didn’t go well. With other relatives, I mailed a letter to them. I told a few people I trusted relatively quickly, and the others I told as I felt it was needed, or in some cases, as I felt that me being trans was getting too obvious. 

Often, when people come out publicly, they have a plan of some sort, a pecking order, if you will, of who they will come out to first, and last. For me, my parents were really late on the list because I knew it was going to go badly. If you’re one of the first people they come out to, you should probably feel flattered. Unless they’re forced to come out, usually the people they come out to early on are people they trust and believe they can likely count on not to react badly. So odds are, they trust you. 

Coming out can be really scary. Often, you have no real idea how the person you’re coming out to is going to react. And to tell you the truth, I was surprised at the reactions of some people I told. A few people I thought would have a problem with it were fine, and a few I thought might be okay with it weren’t. It’s not unusual to get a different reaction than you expect. 

Coming out often leads to living a more authentic life, and living authentically can be very freeing. It can lead to better mental health, stronger relationships, increased self-esteem, and even to finding community. It’s taking a step into living into who God created you to be. Yet, many people never get to the point that they feel it is safe to come out. 

One thing LGBTQIA+ people notice after a while is that coming out is usually an ongoing, lifelong experience. There’s always another person to have to come out to. New coworker, new pastor, new doctor, new neighbor, whatever. It can be frustrating, but it is really hard to avoid.

To anyone who is still in the closet, hear these words:

• You are loved.

• God created all of us as a reflection of who God is. God sees you. 

• Diversity is a gift, and speaks to the wonderful creativity of God.

• Scripture tells us that we are knit together by God, that God knew us before we were born, that nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God.

• Did you know the first person to become a Christian after the crucifixion, was a gender non-conforming person?

• It’s okay to be in the closet. Whether or not you EVER come out, you’re valid. Your life matters. Your existence and experience are valid. 

• This church is a safe space.

• If you want to come out, and you’re scared, you can come out to me. I will not out you. This church staff will not out you. In fact, if you’re hearing me speak today, and it is safe to come out to you, please put up your hand. Even if you’re watching this online. 

Now for the part I don’t like, but it needs to be said.

• Coming out sometimes isn’t safe. Each situation is different. Never come out to someone if it will put you in danger.

• Test the waters. Listen to what each person in your life says, and see how they react to LGBT celebrities or TV characters. 

• Every time you come out to someone, even people you feel are safe, have a plan to get out of the situation. You never know when you will need to use it. 

• If you plan to come out to a friend or relative, and I know this sounds harsh, but you should expect that as you come out to people, you will lose relationships with friends and relatives. Plan for it. There is a very good chance it is going to happen. 

• If you plan to come out to a parent, guardian, or someone you live with, your plan needs to include where you will live long term, how you’re going to eat, etc. if that conversation goes badly. It also needs to include getting things that are precious to you out of the house BEFORE you come out, because if it goes very badly, you will probably lose whatever is still in the house that you’re not wearing. 

What to do if someone is coming out to you

• Listen to them

• Believe them. They know better than anyone else what they have been experiencing. 

• Thank them for trusting you

• Ask loving questions, including their pronouns, if they are trans or non-binary

• Offer support

• Expect that they might be emotional.

• Reassure them. Let them know they haven’t lost their relationship with you. 

• Realize they might not be able to answer all your questions. 

• DO NOT OUT THEM!!!!! To anyone. Their safety is literally in your hands. It’s their story to tell, not yours, and they will come out to people when they want to.

• Check in with them in the days ahead

• Don’t make it about you, make assumptions, or pry.

There are a lot of resources on the internet. We wanted to provide some helpful resources to guide you if you’re planning to come out, or if someone comes out to you. First, our church is a resource, and we’re here for you. 

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/

https://lgbtq.yale.edu/coming-out

https://pflag.org/resource/pao-whensomeonecomesout/

https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-come-out

https://www.uhc.com/news-articles/healthy-living/tips-for-coming-out-to-your-family

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/gender-identity/transgender/coming-out-trans

I Am Blessed

Privilege. It's real. I have privilege, and I know I do.

Here's why I say that:

- I have medical care

- I have access to mental health care

- I have good insurance that covers transgender care

- I work at a place that supports trans people fully

I'm privileged. But so many aren't. I've been able to make a massive number of steps forward as a trans person that the vast majority of trans people simply cannot. I'm blessed, and I know it. 

Why does it have to be so hard for so many people? No wonder so many trans people struggle with their mental and physical health. 

I know it might not mean much. But please know that I see you. 

Filing My Birth Certificate Court Case

Often, as a person transitions, life in general, and priorities as well, tend to change. I had gotten to the point that I was ready to change my gender on my birth certificate to accurately reflect who I am. Prior to that point, it hadn't been something I was thinking about doing, but now, all the paperwork had been changed except that, and it just seemed to be the time. 

In the state I lived in, the Health Department was the keeper of vital records, including birth certificates. So, they were the agency that I had to file an application with, to make changes. The problem is that the state is pretty conservative, and leadership of the Health Department has a pretty anti-trans approach. Specifically, they allow all sorts of changes to birth certificates, but not gender changes for trans people. 

A federal court case resulted in the federal judge ordering the State to allow these changes. But, the state didn't want to, so while they made a process as required by the federal court, they created a process that would be nearly impossible to successfully navigate.

Now, trans people were required to get their county's probate court to order a gender change. Then, the Health Department would make the change. They set it up this way because the probate courts would not order such a change. Just to make sure, the county probate courts immediately began refusing to allow such cases to even be filed.

I discovered this when I went to my local courthouse to file the case to update my birth certificate. Even though I have the legal right to file the case, they bluntly refused to even accept the paperwork. By that, I mean they didn't even touch the papers, but left me standing there with the papers held out as they refused.

How My Wardrobe Changed

Transitioning brings a lot of changes. Some of them are scary, some of them are fun, some of them are expensive. As my public gender expression changed, my wife and I had to figure out as we went along what my wardrobe was going to look like. We spent time figuring that out, until we thought we had pretty well gotten a plan together. Then, it was time to make the change. 

Gone was every single garment of men's clothing. Like my body changing, this didn't happen overnight. For one thing, we aren't rich, and thus, changing out an entire wardrobe all at once simply wasn't in the cards. For another thing, we had no idea what sorts of clothing I liked, that suited me, and made me feel good. We had no experience with me wearing women's clothing. Additionally, we needed to be subtle about the change, because there were circumstances like still being in the Army Reserve, and working a civilian job for a company owner that is a bigot. So, we switched things out over time. I'll talk more about that in another post.

It was fun, switching my wardrobe over. Oh, I was nervous, for sure. But it honestly was fun too. But my goodness, was it expensive!

There is a War

There is a war. It’s brutal, horrible, destructive, and uncompromising. The trail of broken people, their wounds deep and terrible, litters the landscape. The cries of the wounded tear at the soul as only true anguish can. There are rarely uniforms, and the equipment is different than ever before, almost to the point of being unrecognizable. but the destruction is appalling. One cannot easily defend against weapons that don’t look like weapons. I’m not referring to ISIS, or Afghanistan, or Somalia.

I’m talking about the Church.

Many Christians in America would tell you that the church is under attack. They couldn’t be more correct in their assessment. They’re not alarmists, nor conspiracists, and they are spot on. The church is very much under attack. They can’t identify the enemy, because the enemy doesn't look like anything they've been taught to fear. It’s guerrilla warfare at an unprecedented level.

The enemy is brazen, well equipped, unyielding, operating from a strong power base with nearly unshakable supply routes, and cold-bloodedly efficient in their tactics, techniques, and procedures. Their methods work - and they work well – by combining heartless viciousness with a simultaneous application of the principle of winning the hearts and minds of the populace. Yet they pass undetected through the populace, blending like the most talented of chameleons. Their greatest combat multiplier (the asset which makes them most effective) is their ability to obfuscate the nature of their threat and presence. If you’re a Dr. Who fan, these enemy combatants are like the Silence, except instead of remaining invisible, or being forgotten in a moment, they are the most visible of all, yet no one sees them for who they are. The enemy attacking the Church is…well, you'll likely not believe me.

The enemy of the Church is the Church. It scratches at the soft underbelly of itself like an excoriating dog. Its attackers aren’t the typical villains described in mainstream Christian media. Instead, the attackers elude detection by positioning themselves as followers of Christ; the most devout, the most Biblically-based; the best of the Big "C" Church, they say. They aren't even being led by the evil one, because they don't need to be. They're leading themselves into unholy war.  They are so successful because – believe it or not – they have no idea that they are the attackers. They aim weapons against each other and fire in the name of Jesus with a vigor rarely seen, even in this modern era of people gladly trashing other people. Why? Because they firmly believe that they are actually the defenders!

Imagine how easily a fort would fall if the defenders of the fort fired at each other, firmly believing themselves to thus be defenders, rather than attackers! They'd have been decimated! Many citizens of the Church know beyond a doubt, in the very core of their being, that what they’re doing is right. This firm belief in the rightness of their cause whips the flames of an already burning fire, and they attack (I mean defend?) with zeal, rejoicing all the way. The desolation left in their wake tames any scene Mathew Brady photographed on the battlefield.  

The attackers could be anyone. The Sunday school teacher in her demure but pretty dress, the older man in the 5^th pew from the front in the stiffly starched high-collared shirt, the Chairman of the Church Board of Elders, the ushers, the elderly woman with the blue-ish hair who wants the church to stop singing “that devil music”, that old guy in the third row whose family started that church 50 years ago, or even the Pastor himself. They say the most awful things about other churches. They say the most awful things about other Christians. They get so busy shooting at each other, in their vigorous defense of the Church, that they don’t notice for a moment who they’re defending against. It’s themselves.

Love everyone. Except those people over there! Our interpretation of scripture is the only possible one; all other Christians are fake. Those churches twist scripture. They're misguided. They don't teach the Bible. 

Declining church attendance is a ubiquitous conversation topic in evangelical churches. It should be a common topic because it’s a common emergency. But the problem is totally misunderstood. It’s not that church attendance is declining. It’s that the Church is taking massive numbers of casualties. People aren't simply not coming anymore. They're falling to the ground with massive wounds. Church hurt is real, and the people no longer coming to church didn't leave. They were pushed out by the very people who were supposed to be loving them no matter what. 

There's a massive amount of "do as I say, not as I do" in churches.  There are even more instances of people trying to say that other people's sin somehow makes that person less holy than they themselves are, as though they themselves have no sin. Hypocritical behavior. Lack of empathy. Protecting personal power. Stomping down other groups. Lack of love. Churches and many churchgoers are spending so much time trying to hurt each other in the name of Jesus (really, it's in their own name) that they've become pretty useless to society in general. Might hurt to read that, if you're an Evangelical Christian, but it is true, nonetheless. Why do you think so many people simply have no desire to go? When people are made to feel like they aren't welcome, aren't good enough, are considered undesirable, unwanted, tainted, unloved, why would they ever go back? There are so many wounded people. So many.

These last few years, I have seen a side of Christianity I’d never encountered before. I never imagined. I grew up in the church, you see. I’d been an Evangelical Christian for my entire life. I knew what was right, and what was wrong, and I knew where I was going in the end, and I knew who won in the end, and that was all that mattered. Literally, nothing else mattered. It’s a pretty good place to be. There is happiness in being in the right. There seriously is. But it’s a smokescreen, on a level far higher than any illusion David Copperfield will ever do. He’s made a building and a jumbo jet “disappear”.  Evangelical Christianity? Goodness, Evangelical Christianity has made millions of people disappear from among them, and have soundly congratulated themselves for it! One day, that smokescreen might just blow away, and then...then comes the light of truth!

If there is no condemnation in Christ, why are so many churches so busy condemning everyone who isn't exactly like them? If the second greatest commandment is to love our neighbor as ourselves, why are so many churches working so hard to do anything but? The war, remember? The war is all that matters to them. They have to fight. They WANT to fight. They're so driven to enforce their beliefs on each other. They will gladly cast aside anyone who doesn't think exactly like them. They literally celebrate the wounds they give people. It's a victory, you see. Isn't that sad?

Happiness based on following the rules isn't salvation. It isn't grace. It isn't Jesus. If following rules was the key, there'd be no need for Jesus.

I want to be different. I want to be part of the church that loves, gives, and lives. I want to be part of the church that follows Jesus, not church rules. I want to be part of a church that lives the values of love, and mercy, and compassion, and shuns legalism, and hate, and hypocrisy, and thinking they are somehow better than other people. I want to be a disciple, not a pharisee. Will you join me?

Breakfast at Bob Evans

2018

This is part three of the trilogy discussing how a church responded to transgender people. I recommend reading the first two parts, for clarity.

you can find part 1 here: https://highheelsandankleboots.blogspot.com/2018/07/ok-e-mail-from-transgender-person.html

You can find part 2 here: https://highheelsandankleboots.blogspot.com/2018/08/church-bylaws.html

You're Not Having...

As previously discussed, my wife and I had left the church we were attending. The Senior Pastor there still had no idea why, and he and his family were vocal about wanting us to return. My wife and I decided that the best thing to do was to sit down and talk with him, and tell him bluntly why we left.

We met at a local Bob Evans restaurant, for breakfast. There, we small talked, and wasted time, and ate, until it got to the point that we couldn't ignore the elephant in the room any longer. So, I took a lot of deep breaths, and with a shaky voice, told the Senior Pastor why we had left his church.

He didn't act surprised, but he had to have been. I doubt he had any inkling of the situation, previously. From the moment the words "I'm transgender" left my mouth, he never again said he wanted us to return. Instead, at the end of our talk, he agreed that it was best that we go. He actually suggested we not return. Mind you minutes before, it was "what would it take to get you to return?"

Then he looked at me and asked something I still can't believe he actually said. "You're not having sex with men, are you?" he asked. 'Because if you do, that's it for you."

Let me ask you a question, dear reader. How exactly is that any of his business? One of the things trans people always seem to get are questions about their genitals and about their sex life. Neither are okay. I don't ask you, and that's for a reason. It's none of my business.

I'm not going to do that

He then asked me what it took to help people like me feel more welcome. I told him that it'd be nice for people to have a place to pee. He said "We've got that now", a reference to the redesignated bathroom that they only changed because insurance had told them to. I told him that people look for churches with groups that aren't gendered. In other words, churches that have activities and Bible studies, not "men's Bible study" and "women's golf outings". He indicated that this wasn't likely to be put into place. That's when I told him it might be best to take "All are welcome here" off of the church sign, because I for sure hadn't felt welcome, and there were some other peiple who hadn't as well. You see, in the last two years, some young people who were lesbians or bisexual had left, totaling 9 people that I knew of, including my family of 3. I explained to him that he had other trans people in the church, and a couple of lesbians, a few porn addicts, etc.

The next thing he mentioned was in response to my statements about the attitudes of church leadership. He was concerned, but not like you'd think. He wasn't thinking of changing the attitude of church leadership. Rather, he asked me if when another person like me visited the church, would they be able to pick up on the church's attitude, or would it be hidden well enough? It's possible, he said, that I only knew about their attitude because I had been in leadership?

I explained that the right thing to do was for him to stand up on Sunday and bluntly confront the church's prevailing attitude. He said he wasn't going to do that, and the conversation broke up a few minutes later. Off we went.

I honestly don't know why I was even upset. I hadn't expected anything, in particular, to come from the talk. Yet, I was disappointed. But you know what? Walking away was the best thing we could have done.

Advice From Our Kids: Coming Out Letters

I came out to our kids using personal, sealed letters. My research showed that this was an effective way to do it. They were roommates in an apartment, so I asked them to take them into their rooms, and read them alone, at the same time. I used sarcasm, and humor, because that's how our family communicates. I wrote a very heartfelt letter.

I'm not a complete idiot, so I ran the letter past my therapist. She liked it, but was concerned about the humor. We're a quirky family. I explained to her that we communicate that way, so she told me to go for it.

In the letter, I employed the "Mom, I'm pregnant! Just kidding. I need money for college" approach. I explained a bit about what I had been experiencing. I let them know I love them, and I was extremely vulnerable with them. 

The letter made them cry. Partly because of the content, partly because my sarcastic humor was probably not such a good idea. Moral of that story? Listen to your therapist, because they are an unbiased observer.

What would our kids recommend for a coming out letter?

- Be honest. Don't lie, don't tell half truths or sort-of truths, and don't say things that aren't reality.

- Talk about your reality, what you've experienced, and why coming out is important.
- Don't talk down to the person / people you're coming out to.
- Explain things in terms they can for sure relate to. It's easy to say "My gender doesn't match my body", but for someone with no frame of reference, that will simply make no sense. Find a way to put it in terms that make sense to them.

- Be vulnerable.
- Make sure you tell them how you feel about them, and your relationship with them.
- Reassure them.