When to Say Something?

 One trend I've noticed is that coworkers who know better have started slipping back into calling me "he" or "him". Many of these people have offices in the immediate area of my office, and we interact daily. They don't ever seem to realize they are doing it. Rather, they are reacting to my normal voice, which is in the lower range of voices. I believe it to be a subconscious thing, with no malice behind it, because I work with a group of pretty good people.

Sometimes I say something to them because I genuinely dislike being misgendered. When I say something, the person I mentioned it to is always apologetic and clearly tries to do better. Honestly, they are always startled that they had done it. 

Sometimes I get down on myself for not doing better at using the techniques I have learned in voice therapy that allow me to raise the pitch of my voice. It is possible to do, but honestly, it takes a lot of concentration to maintain that higher pitch, and in longer conversations, it hasn't seemed worth it. 

Then, when I get down on myself for not doing better, I get down on myself for getting down on myself, because I shouldn't have to do better. 

Sometimes I don't say anything to them, but rather, simply cringe just a bit inside. Sometimes I worry that I will be perceived as being difficult if I make too many corrections. I don't want to be the person people tread carefully around when they speak to me, if that makes sense.

Gender is such an awkward thing to navigate when all the slots on the slot machine don't line up. There is unrealized privilege for those whose slots line up; a jackpot of sorts, wherein they don't have to navigate the dissonance and the fallout of that dissonance. I say it is unrealized because when things always make sense to someone, that is so unremarkable to them as to not be noticed. Thus, they find it difficult to understand those whose slot machine is a little different, and they respond without thinking as though no one experiences dissonance. 

We see this all the time when a group of friends or coworkers are walking somewhere, and one of them has just a bit of a mobility issue. Everyone walks happily along, while the one friend slowly fades back a bit, because they simply cannot move as fast. Eventually, the friends notice and stop to wait for their friend to catch up. They apologize, and start off again, albeit a bit more slowly. Yet, within moments, they are proceeding at their precious pace without even realizing it. Does the person with the mobility difficulty keep saying something? Do they struggle along in silence?

In the same way, people react to the gender they perceive through the fog of their own lens, rather than the actual gender of the person. It'd just be nice for it to happen a little less at work. 

I Don't Know...

 I had taken a new job. It was a good job, great benefits, and an excellent opportunity in the field my degree is in. The employer is also LGBTQIA+ friendly in general. My new coworkers did a great job of adapting to a transgender woman joining the team. They integrated me quickly, nailed pronouns every time, asked good, non-invasive questions, and made me feel welcome. In my first few weeks there, I probably met 500 employees, and it went well. Until it didn't.

I'd been there about 2 weeks, and was with a coworker walking through a facility I was responsible for, so I could learn more about the building.  I'm a safety person, and I have responsiblity for multiple buildings. 

We were pretty much done, and were walking through the lobby to go to the elevators so we could go to the executive offices. That would enable me to meet the Associate Director for that facility. Keeping a good working relationship with him was important. 

As we walked across the lobby, the receptionist saw me walking, and thought of something she needed to ask my coworker and I. Though she had been introduced to me about half an hour prior, she called over to us, saying "Excuse me, sir. Ma'am. I don't know what you are."

I'm not going to lie. That was a kick in the stomach. Suddenly, I was wondering if this was the job for me, if I was truly accepted, if there was a lot of hidden bigotry I somehow hadn't picked up on. The culture of the organization we work for is such that she'd have really gotten in trouble had I reported what she said. I didn't report her.

Fast forward a few years. I've probably had over a hundred conversations with her. She seems a good person. Last week, I brought up our first meeting, and reminded her of what she said that day. I explained how I had felt, and that there are still days I hear her say that. I didn't do it to be mean, but rather, because I didn't want to keep holding it against her.

She was shocked, and apologized profusely. What stood out to me in that moment was that I was the very first trans person she had worked with, and she didn't handle it well. Since then, I've seen her interact with multiple gender diverse employees, and she is clearly a good person. So, as in so many other times, I was able to change someone's heart simply by existing, and helping someone see that trans people are valid. 

My Employer At Pride

 For the last three years, I've seen a booth from my employer go up at PRIDE, and coworkers of mine interact with the crowd. Coming after working for more than 9 years for a serious bigot, I still find the idea of an employer that actually supports LGBTQIA+ employees to be strange. They even marched in the parade!

It makes me feel good. That, and the policy that says people can use the restroom of the gender that most closely aligns with who they are. And the LGBTQIA+ Employee Resource Group. And the Diversity Advisory Committee. Add to that us being permitted to put our pronouns on our e-mail signature block, and it's a pretty friendly place to work.

It's pretty cool to work for an organization that values people regardless of their social pedigree, their racial group, their marital status, gender, gender identity, or sex. 

Veteran's Day

 It's Veterans Day here in the United States. I'm retired from the United States Army, and I'm proud of my 28 years of service. I went a lot of places, did a lot of things, and deployed a few times. 

As a transgender person, I wish trans people were welcome in our military. Not welcoming trans people is an unconscionable waste of amazing talent, the inclusion of which would greatly enhance our military, and our country. I had no idea when I joined the Army that many trans people become police officers, or firefighters, or join the military. Percentage-wise, trans people are massively more likely to serve than cis people. 

Not for the first time, I wish I had a female dress blue uniform. It shouldn't matter, but it does. When Veterans Day comes, and veterans post photos in uniform, it bothers me that I don't have any of me that I can use. Yet, I am very proud of my contribution. 

This Veterans Day, I'm thankful for the 16 million veterans, and especially for the roughly 134,000 transgender veterans currently living in the United States. Men, women, and others who stood tall and said "Nothing is going to hurt you tonight. Not on my watch." 

Thank you for your service!

Have a blessed Veterans Day.

Pronouns at Church

 The church I attend does something cool, which is that whenever anyone gets up front, they identify themselves by giving their name and pronouns. If you've read a lot of y posts, you know that pronouns are important, and giving pronouns when you get up to talk is a great way to tell trans and non-binary people that they are valued. It's something I wish more organizations did.

Sometimes, though, someone makes a mistake. We're all human, right? There is one man who routinely gets my pronouns wrong, but every time he does, it bothers him and he apologizes sincerely. He intends to get it right. Honestly, my voice doesn't help. I have a pretty low-pitched voice. But I appreciate him, because his heart is in the right place, and I know that, and the fact that he really is trying means a lot to me. 

There is another man who also gets my pronouns wrong. He never apologizes, and the way he speaks to me tells me that he doesn't see me as me. I've tried to ignore it, because it honestly comes across as intentional. It bothers me. I don't know what his intent is. It's getting more common, and I'm thinking I'm going to have to talk with him, though I'd rather not have to. I'll keep you posted. 

The old pastor left. Now it's time for "Family Values".

My wife and I were attending a Methodist church in Ohio. Well, sort of. We had just started attending when covid hit. So we went for 2 weeks, and then churches were shut down. So we attended after that online.

In general the church talked a good talk. They told me about how various LGBT people were on the board and participating in worship. The Pastor was pretty supportive. 

After a year or so online, restrictions were relaxed, and churches began to meet in person again. The first few weeks were fine, but then, the Pastor announced that he was leaving. The church then did what churches tend to do, which was install an interim pastor, and start getting ready to have a new pastor. 

Meanwhile, the associate pastor, who had been leading a satellite campus at a local YMCA, began preaching often at the church. My wife and I quickly noticed that her sermons always seemed to include the idea of "family values", even if it didn't seem to fit into the sermon. To us, that rang alarm bells, because when churches talk about family values, they really mean "anti LGBTQIA+".

Over the next few months, that proved pretty accurate, and we soon realized that the direction the church intended to take, freed up because the previous pastor had left, was decidedly anti-LGBTQIA+.  We waste no time leaving the church.

The truth of this was shown about a year later, when the United Methodist Church split on LGBTQIA+ lines. The church we had attended formally left the UMC, departing with the other "I hate LGBTQIA+ churches. 

National Coming Out Day 2025

 The Sunday before this last National Coming Out Day, I was blessed to speak for a few minutes at both services of the church I worship at. I gladly take every opportunity presented to tell more of my story, because I hope that hearing my story will further understanding, and help lift up other transgender people. This is the text of what I said:

National Coming Out Day

Have you ever kept a diary? Something you wrote your innermost thoughts into? Or have you ever had a huge secret about yourself that no one else knew? Can you imagine if someone read your diary, or learned your massive secret? That fear you would have in that moment? That’s what coming out is like, pretty much every time you do it. 

National Coming Out Day is October 11th. It is the anniversary of the 1987 March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. It celebrates the courage of coming out. The idea behind the day was that coming out is an act of activism that raises awareness. Each year, thousands of LGBTQIA+ Americans, as well as people around the world, come out, often for the first time. It’s a frightening day. It’s a day of courage. Especially in a world where many churches specifically demonize the day. 

People come out for all sorts of reasons. Maybe they’re excited at realizing a truth about themselves, and they can’t wait to say something. Maybe they do it without intending to. Maybe they have a plan for coming out to people, and they’ve gotten to the point that they are telling you. Maybe you’re the first person they told. Maybe you’re the hundredth. Maybe they’ve gotten to the point in their journey where they just plain have to come out because they can’t stand hiding who they are anymore.

The first person I came out to, other than my wife of course, was a really good friend. I was shocked to find out she already figured it out, and was just waiting for me to say something. Then it was time to come out to our kids. That was actually way beyond scary. I was terrified they might shut me out of their life. I didn’t think they would, I was pretty sure they wouldn’t, but the reality is, it is always a possibility, every time you come out to someone. I don’t know if I could have handled a bad outcome to that.

There are lots of ways to come out. Face to face, with a letter or e-mail, a cake, a phone call, all sorts of ways. I’ve come out in different ways to different people. With our kids, I wrote them a letter and asked them to read it in private, and respond as they felt ready to respond. Then I anguished waiting for a response, which thankfully was positive and came quickly. At work, I read a letter to them in person. With my parents I sat down along with my wife and our kids to talk with them, and as I expected, it didn’t go well. With other relatives, I mailed a letter to them. I told a few people I trusted relatively quickly, and the others I told as I felt it was needed, or in some cases, as I felt that me being trans was getting too obvious. 

Often, when people come out publicly, they have a plan of some sort, a pecking order, if you will, of who they will come out to first, and last. For me, my parents were really late on the list because I knew it was going to go badly. If you’re one of the first people they come out to, you should probably feel flattered. Unless they’re forced to come out, usually the people they come out to early on are people they trust and believe they can likely count on not to react badly. So odds are, they trust you. 

Coming out can be really scary. Often, you have no real idea how the person you’re coming out to is going to react. And to tell you the truth, I was surprised at the reactions of some people I told. A few people I thought would have a problem with it were fine, and a few I thought might be okay with it weren’t. It’s not unusual to get a different reaction than you expect. 

Coming out often leads to living a more authentic life, and living authentically can be very freeing. It can lead to better mental health, stronger relationships, increased self-esteem, and even to finding community. It’s taking a step into living into who God created you to be. Yet, many people never get to the point that they feel it is safe to come out. 

One thing LGBTQIA+ people notice after a while is that coming out is usually an ongoing, lifelong experience. There’s always another person to have to come out to. New coworker, new pastor, new doctor, new neighbor, whatever. It can be frustrating, but it is really hard to avoid.

To anyone who is still in the closet, hear these words:

• You are loved.

• God created all of us as a reflection of who God is. God sees you. 

• Diversity is a gift, and speaks to the wonderful creativity of God.

• Scripture tells us that we are knit together by God, that God knew us before we were born, that nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God.

• Did you know the first person to become a Christian after the crucifixion, was a gender non-conforming person?

• It’s okay to be in the closet. Whether or not you EVER come out, you’re valid. Your life matters. Your existence and experience are valid. 

• This church is a safe space.

• If you want to come out, and you’re scared, you can come out to me. I will not out you. This church staff will not out you. In fact, if you’re hearing me speak today, and it is safe to come out to you, please put up your hand. Even if you’re watching this online. 

Now for the part I don’t like, but it needs to be said.

• Coming out sometimes isn’t safe. Each situation is different. Never come out to someone if it will put you in danger.

• Test the waters. Listen to what each person in your life says, and see how they react to LGBT celebrities or TV characters. 

• Every time you come out to someone, even people you feel are safe, have a plan to get out of the situation. You never know when you will need to use it. 

• If you plan to come out to a friend or relative, and I know this sounds harsh, but you should expect that as you come out to people, you will lose relationships with friends and relatives. Plan for it. There is a very good chance it is going to happen. 

• If you plan to come out to a parent, guardian, or someone you live with, your plan needs to include where you will live long term, how you’re going to eat, etc. if that conversation goes badly. It also needs to include getting things that are precious to you out of the house BEFORE you come out, because if it goes very badly, you will probably lose whatever is still in the house that you’re not wearing. 

What to do if someone is coming out to you

• Listen to them

• Believe them. They know better than anyone else what they have been experiencing. 

• Thank them for trusting you

• Ask loving questions, including their pronouns, if they are trans or non-binary

• Offer support

• Expect that they might be emotional.

• Reassure them. Let them know they haven’t lost their relationship with you. 

• Realize they might not be able to answer all your questions. 

• DO NOT OUT THEM!!!!! To anyone. Their safety is literally in your hands. It’s their story to tell, not yours, and they will come out to people when they want to.

• Check in with them in the days ahead

• Don’t make it about you, make assumptions, or pry.

There are a lot of resources on the internet. We wanted to provide some helpful resources to guide you if you’re planning to come out, or if someone comes out to you. First, our church is a resource, and we’re here for you. 

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/

https://lgbtq.yale.edu/coming-out

https://pflag.org/resource/pao-whensomeonecomesout/

https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-come-out

https://www.uhc.com/news-articles/healthy-living/tips-for-coming-out-to-your-family

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/gender-identity/transgender/coming-out-trans