Breakfast at Bob Evans

2018

This is part three of the trilogy discussing how a church responded to transgender people. I recommend reading the first two parts, for clarity.

you can find part 1 here: https://highheelsandankleboots.blogspot.com/2018/07/ok-e-mail-from-transgender-person.html

You can find part 2 here: https://highheelsandankleboots.blogspot.com/2018/08/church-bylaws.html

You're Not Having...

As previously discussed, my wife and I had left the church we were attending. The Senior Pastor there still had no idea why, and he and his family were vocal about wanting us to return. My wife and I decided that the best thing to do was to sit down and talk with him, and tell him bluntly why we left.

We met at a local Bob Evans restaurant, for breakfast. There, we small talked, and wasted time, and ate, until it got to the point that we couldn't ignore the elephant in the room any longer. So, I took a lot of deep breaths, and with a shaky voice, told the Senior Pastor why we had left his church.

He didn't act surprised, but he had to have been. I doubt he had any inkling of the situation, previously. From the moment the words "I'm transgender" left my mouth, he never again said he wanted us to return. Instead, at the end of our talk, he agreed that it was best that we go. He actually suggested we not return. Mind you minutes before, it was "what would it take to get you to return?"

Then he looked at me and asked something I still can't believe he actually said. "You're not having sex with men, are you?" he asked. 'Because if you do, that's it for you."

Let me ask you a question, dear reader. How exactly is that any of his business? One of the things trans people always seem to get are questions about their genitals and about their sex life. Neither are okay. I don't ask you, and that's for a reason. It's none of my business.

I'm not going to do that

He then asked me what it took to help people like me feel more welcome. I told him that it'd be nice for people to have a place to pee. He said "We've got that now", a reference to the redesignated bathroom that they only changed because insurance had told them to. I told him that people look for churches with groups that aren't gendered. In other words, churches that have activities and Bible studies, not "men's Bible study" and "women's golf outings". He indicated that this wasn't likely to be put into place. That's when I told him it might be best to take "All are welcome here" off of the church sign, because I for sure hadn't felt welcome, and there were some other peiple who hadn't as well. You see, in the last two years, some young people who were lesbians or bisexual had left, totaling 9 people that I knew of, including my family of 3. I explained to him that he had other trans people in the church, and a couple of lesbians, a few porn addicts, etc.

The next thing he mentioned was in response to my statements about the attitudes of church leadership. He was concerned, but not like you'd think. He wasn't thinking of changing the attitude of church leadership. Rather, he asked me if when another person like me visited the church, would they be able to pick up on the church's attitude, or would it be hidden well enough? It's possible, he said, that I only knew about their attitude because I had been in leadership?

I explained that the right thing to do was for him to stand up on Sunday and bluntly confront the church's prevailing attitude. He said he wasn't going to do that, and the conversation broke up a few minutes later. Off we went.

I honestly don't know why I was even upset. I hadn't expected anything, in particular, to come from the talk. Yet, I was disappointed. But you know what? Walking away was the best thing we could have done.

Advice From Our Kids: Coming Out Letters

I came out to our kids using personal, sealed letters. My research showed that this was an effective way to do it. They were roommates in an apartment, so I asked them to take them into their rooms, and read them alone, at the same time. I used sarcasm, and humor, because that's how our family communicates. I wrote a very heartfelt letter.

I'm not a complete idiot, so I ran the letter past my therapist. She liked it, but was concerned about the humor. We're a quirky family. I explained to her that we communicate that way, so she told me to go for it.

In the letter, I employed the "Mom, I'm pregnant! Just kidding. I need money for college" approach. I explained a bit about what I had been experiencing. I let them know I love them, and I was extremely vulnerable with them. 

The letter made them cry. Partly because of the content, partly because my sarcastic humor was probably not such a good idea. Moral of that story? Listen to your therapist, because they are an unbiased observer.

What would our kids recommend for a coming out letter?

- Be honest. Don't lie, don't tell half truths or sort-of truths, and don't say things that aren't reality.

- Talk about your reality, what you've experienced, and why coming out is important.
- Don't talk down to the person / people you're coming out to.
- Explain things in terms they can for sure relate to. It's easy to say "My gender doesn't match my body", but for someone with no frame of reference, that will simply make no sense. Find a way to put it in terms that make sense to them.

- Be vulnerable.
- Make sure you tell them how you feel about them, and your relationship with them.
- Reassure them.