Awkward

2019

I'm the redhead, cis-gender wife. 

Before I begin, I want to stress that one thing we have learned is that transitioning looks different, to different people. 

Well, we have have been working through the transition process for a while now.  Through this, we have noticed that things with family can at times be awkward. Do you know what I mean? It sometimes catches us by surprise, but often, we know going into a situation that things might well be off. 

What do I mean about awkward? One good example is that my wife’s mother refuses to call her by her name. She insists on using her birth name. She does this in public and private. Mt mother-in-law also uses incorrect pronouns when referring to my wife. I use my wife's actual name and her correct pronouns. There is always this tug-of-war of sorts. I find it frustrating that my mother-in-law can be so stubborn. 

It can be awkward because you don't always know what to say to respond, and there always seems to be this odd silence over and over in conversation. It makes things jerky, like an old movie with some of the holes on the side stripped out, so it doesn't flow smoothly. 

The extended family on my wife’s mother’s side of the family don’t utilize my wife’s name as well. I recently had to spend a lot of time with my wife’s mother. I would talk about my wife and utilize her name. My mother-in-law would at times not even acknowledge that I was even talking when talking about my wife. She would also make sure to use my wife’s old name. She would at times make a point to talk about my wife using her old name.

To be honest, since we came out to her, she has gone out of her way to use my wife's birth name as often as possible. Let's say that my wife's birth name was Wayne. Her name really isn't, but for illustration purposes, go with me here. My mother-in-law might say something like: "I was thinking that Wayne could go outside and Wayne could open the shed and Wayne could take out the mower and Wayne could mow the Grass" or "Wayne, would you please go out to the car Wayne and get the bag Wayne out of the back seat Wayne?" 

Now, to be honest, it's not quite that bad. But I swear, you never hear so many 'he"s and "him"s and "his"s coming out of a person's mouth. 

This gets very frustrating and annoying. I would find myself trying to evade using any names at times to talk about my wife. I would in a sense beat about the bush when telling about something that happened at home with my wife. At first, I didn’t even realize I was doing this. I suppose I was avoiding what was in a real sense a confrontation. This went on over several visits during the time frame I had to spend with her.

I finally realized what I was doing and decided that I needed to change my approach. So, I made a point of talking about my wife and of making sure to use my wife's name. Sometimes I would get a reply, a lot of the time I wouldn’t get any comment from my mother-in-law at all. It is awkward at times when talking to my wife’s mother but it is her problem not mine and I refuse to be put in that awkward situation anymore!

Things to take away from this post:

Avoiding confrontation isn't wrong. Sometimes it is a safe move. But to be honest, there often comes a time where continuing to avoid confrontation only makes things worse and avoids addressing the problem. 

Sometimes, you will find yourself using a transgender person's old name, or the incorrect pronouns. When you do, apologize quietly, and change what you say from that time forward. Though it can be hard to change what name and pronouns you use, especially if you've known them for a while, you can change the habit. It takes being intentional about it. In other words, if it is important to you, you will do it. If it isn't, I guess you're my mother-in-law. 

Gender on Forms

Gender on Forms

1978

I'm the brunette, transgender wife.

Lots of forms, especially in the military, require you to select sex or gender. This sometimes caused me to pause, but I just explained that away as something odd about me.

Did you ever wonder?

When I was very young, this didn’t mean anything to me, but there came a time, in 5^th grade, when I was asked to come to the office. We were supposed to be going to see the circus as a school trip, and something was screwed up with my permission slip. My mom had signed the slip, and I had filled it out the next day, at school, before turning it in to my teacher. Apparently, I had indicated on the form that I was female.

The lady in the office was amused. I got another copy, to take home for my parents to sign. My mom grumped a bit but signed it, after making sure I filled it out correctly first. I returned the form, and all was good.

As the school year continued, we were going to go to a sort of park near us, that was a wetland. When it was time to do the permission slip, I noticed I hesitated a bit when it was time to mark male or female. Coming on the heels of the circus permission slip, I remember thinking how odd it was that it gave me so much trouble.

In middle school and high school, more than once I marked female on a form. I thought sometimes that it might be some sort of learning disability, that I kept marking the incorrect spot.

I actually asked our family doctor about it. He said it was just foolishness.

Ah...but today?

Over the years, I have on multiple occasions hesitated, strangely drawn to mark female on the form. Sometimes it was embarrassing., especially if someone noticed something was wrong. More than once, I had to request a new form. But it was just an odd thing. Wasn’t it?

Having the benefit of hindsight, I now understand that there was a real reason for my hesitation. Fast-forwarding to the present time, I am able to mark "female" on forms without concern, and it is automatic because that's who I am.