National Coming Out Day 2025

 The Sunday before this last National Coming Out Day, I was blessed to speak for a few minutes at both services of the church I worship at. I gladly take every opportunity presented to tell more of my story, because I hope that hearing my story will further understanding, and help lift up other transgender people. This is the text of what I said:

National Coming Out Day

Have you ever kept a diary? Something you wrote your innermost thoughts into? Or have you ever had a huge secret about yourself that no one else knew? Can you imagine if someone read your diary, or learned your massive secret? That fear you would have in that moment? That’s what coming out is like, pretty much every time you do it. 

National Coming Out Day is October 11th. It is the anniversary of the 1987 March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. It celebrates the courage of coming out. The idea behind the day was that coming out is an act of activism that raises awareness. Each year, thousands of LGBTQIA+ Americans, as well as people around the world, come out, often for the first time. It’s a frightening day. It’s a day of courage. Especially in a world where many churches specifically demonize the day. 

People come out for all sorts of reasons. Maybe they’re excited at realizing a truth about themselves, and they can’t wait to say something. Maybe they do it without intending to. Maybe they have a plan for coming out to people, and they’ve gotten to the point that they are telling you. Maybe you’re the first person they told. Maybe you’re the hundredth. Maybe they’ve gotten to the point in their journey where they just plain have to come out because they can’t stand hiding who they are anymore.

The first person I came out to, other than my wife of course, was a really good friend. I was shocked to find out she already figured it out, and was just waiting for me to say something. Then it was time to come out to our kids. That was actually way beyond scary. I was terrified they might shut me out of their life. I didn’t think they would, I was pretty sure they wouldn’t, but the reality is, it is always a possibility, every time you come out to someone. I don’t know if I could have handled a bad outcome to that.

There are lots of ways to come out. Face to face, with a letter or e-mail, a cake, a phone call, all sorts of ways. I’ve come out in different ways to different people. With our kids, I wrote them a letter and asked them to read it in private, and respond as they felt ready to respond. Then I anguished waiting for a response, which thankfully was positive and came quickly. At work, I read a letter to them in person. With my parents I sat down along with my wife and our kids to talk with them, and as I expected, it didn’t go well. With other relatives, I mailed a letter to them. I told a few people I trusted relatively quickly, and the others I told as I felt it was needed, or in some cases, as I felt that me being trans was getting too obvious. 

Often, when people come out publicly, they have a plan of some sort, a pecking order, if you will, of who they will come out to first, and last. For me, my parents were really late on the list because I knew it was going to go badly. If you’re one of the first people they come out to, you should probably feel flattered. Unless they’re forced to come out, usually the people they come out to early on are people they trust and believe they can likely count on not to react badly. So odds are, they trust you. 

Coming out can be really scary. Often, you have no real idea how the person you’re coming out to is going to react. And to tell you the truth, I was surprised at the reactions of some people I told. A few people I thought would have a problem with it were fine, and a few I thought might be okay with it weren’t. It’s not unusual to get a different reaction than you expect. 

Coming out often leads to living a more authentic life, and living authentically can be very freeing. It can lead to better mental health, stronger relationships, increased self-esteem, and even to finding community. It’s taking a step into living into who God created you to be. Yet, many people never get to the point that they feel it is safe to come out. 

One thing LGBTQIA+ people notice after a while is that coming out is usually an ongoing, lifelong experience. There’s always another person to have to come out to. New coworker, new pastor, new doctor, new neighbor, whatever. It can be frustrating, but it is really hard to avoid.

To anyone who is still in the closet, hear these words:

• You are loved.

• God created all of us as a reflection of who God is. God sees you. 

• Diversity is a gift, and speaks to the wonderful creativity of God.

• Scripture tells us that we are knit together by God, that God knew us before we were born, that nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God.

• Did you know the first person to become a Christian after the crucifixion, was a gender non-conforming person?

• It’s okay to be in the closet. Whether or not you EVER come out, you’re valid. Your life matters. Your existence and experience are valid. 

• This church is a safe space.

• If you want to come out, and you’re scared, you can come out to me. I will not out you. This church staff will not out you. In fact, if you’re hearing me speak today, and it is safe to come out to you, please put up your hand. Even if you’re watching this online. 

Now for the part I don’t like, but it needs to be said.

• Coming out sometimes isn’t safe. Each situation is different. Never come out to someone if it will put you in danger.

• Test the waters. Listen to what each person in your life says, and see how they react to LGBT celebrities or TV characters. 

• Every time you come out to someone, even people you feel are safe, have a plan to get out of the situation. You never know when you will need to use it. 

• If you plan to come out to a friend or relative, and I know this sounds harsh, but you should expect that as you come out to people, you will lose relationships with friends and relatives. Plan for it. There is a very good chance it is going to happen. 

• If you plan to come out to a parent, guardian, or someone you live with, your plan needs to include where you will live long term, how you’re going to eat, etc. if that conversation goes badly. It also needs to include getting things that are precious to you out of the house BEFORE you come out, because if it goes very badly, you will probably lose whatever is still in the house that you’re not wearing. 

What to do if someone is coming out to you

• Listen to them

• Believe them. They know better than anyone else what they have been experiencing. 

• Thank them for trusting you

• Ask loving questions, including their pronouns, if they are trans or non-binary

• Offer support

• Expect that they might be emotional.

• Reassure them. Let them know they haven’t lost their relationship with you. 

• Realize they might not be able to answer all your questions. 

• DO NOT OUT THEM!!!!! To anyone. Their safety is literally in your hands. It’s their story to tell, not yours, and they will come out to people when they want to.

• Check in with them in the days ahead

• Don’t make it about you, make assumptions, or pry.

There are a lot of resources on the internet. We wanted to provide some helpful resources to guide you if you’re planning to come out, or if someone comes out to you. First, our church is a resource, and we’re here for you. 

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/

https://lgbtq.yale.edu/coming-out

https://pflag.org/resource/pao-whensomeonecomesout/

https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-come-out

https://www.uhc.com/news-articles/healthy-living/tips-for-coming-out-to-your-family

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/gender-identity/transgender/coming-out-trans

I Am Blessed

Privilege. It's real. I have privilege, and I know I do.

Here's why I say that:

- I have medical care

- I have access to mental health care

- I have good insurance that covers transgender care

- I work at a place that supports trans people fully

I'm privileged. But so many aren't. I've been able to make a massive number of steps forward as a trans person that the vast majority of trans people simply cannot. I'm blessed, and I know it. 

Why does it have to be so hard for so many people? No wonder so many trans people struggle with their mental and physical health. 

I know it might not mean much. But please know that I see you. 

Filing My Birth Certificate Court Case

Often, as a person transitions, life in general, and priorities as well, tend to change. I had gotten to the point that I was ready to change my gender on my birth certificate to accurately reflect who I am. Prior to that point, it hadn't been something I was thinking about doing, but now, all the paperwork had been changed except that, and it just seemed to be the time. 

In the state I lived in, the Health Department was the keeper of vital records, including birth certificates. So, they were the agency that I had to file an application with, to make changes. The problem is that the state is pretty conservative, and leadership of the Health Department has a pretty anti-trans approach. Specifically, they allow all sorts of changes to birth certificates, but not gender changes for trans people. 

A federal court case resulted in the federal judge ordering the State to allow these changes. But, the state didn't want to, so while they made a process as required by the federal court, they created a process that would be nearly impossible to successfully navigate.

Now, trans people were required to get their county's probate court to order a gender change. Then, the Health Department would make the change. They set it up this way because the probate courts would not order such a change. Just to make sure, the county probate courts immediately began refusing to allow such cases to even be filed.

I discovered this when I went to my local courthouse to file the case to update my birth certificate. Even though I have the legal right to file the case, they bluntly refused to even accept the paperwork. By that, I mean they didn't even touch the papers, but left me standing there with the papers held out as they refused.

How My Wardrobe Changed

Transitioning brings a lot of changes. Some of them are scary, some of them are fun, some of them are expensive. As my public gender expression changed, my wife and I had to figure out as we went along what my wardrobe was going to look like. We spent time figuring that out, until we thought we had pretty well gotten a plan together. Then, it was time to make the change. 

Gone was every single garment of men's clothing. Like my body changing, this didn't happen overnight. For one thing, we aren't rich, and thus, changing out an entire wardrobe all at once simply wasn't in the cards. For another thing, we had no idea what sorts of clothing I liked, that suited me, and made me feel good. We had no experience with me wearing women's clothing. Additionally, we needed to be subtle about the change, because there were circumstances like still being in the Army Reserve, and working a civilian job for a company owner that is a bigot. So, we switched things out over time. I'll talk more about that in another post.

It was fun, switching my wardrobe over. Oh, I was nervous, for sure. But it honestly was fun too. But my goodness, was it expensive!