The Things You Give Up

Every now and then, something occurs to you and makes you realize something you hadn't thought of. Do you know what I mean?

A bit over a week ago, I read where someone had said that if they were someplace where there were no cis-gender people, the one thing they would do is go swimming. I admit I scoffed at that. Swimming? Really? That's the thing you would do?

The thing is, the thought has been hanging out in the back of my mind. Every now and then it waves at me, to remind me it's there.

I haven't been swimming for a long time. I used to enjoy going swimming. But my wife can confirm that I have refused to go for years. I always had a reason not to go, an excuse of some kind. But the reality is I just couldn't bring myself to go swimming. I just couldn't. I didn't know why.

Until just now. It never clicked until just a few minutes ago. I didn't know it, but deep inside I couldn't bring myself to put on a pair of shorts and walk around shirtless in front of a bunch of people. Well, in front of men, anyway. Why? Because I am transgender. And even back then, deep inside, a part of me knew it. 

All I knew at the time was that whenever my family talked about going swimming, I was super uncomfortable. Looking back, that discomfort makes perfect sense.

Sometimes, you don't realize what all you give up. I never really thought about it. It was just something I didn't do, that so many others did. I used to like going to the beach with my wife, but not with other people. I'd like to try doing it again some time, but right now, there's nothing I could wear that would both fit in with everyone else, and yet be something I'd be comfortable in.

But this is now a goal of mine. I want to go to the beach like a typical person. I'm going to get there. Watch me. Actually, don't watch me. But I'm going to do it.